Think back to when you first got married. Was that 30 years ago? A week ago? Maybe a little over a year ago like us? What was the best advice you received for your wedding? What do you wish people would have told you prior to your wedding?
Our favorite advice that we got came from the principal at the school my mom teaches at; he told us to stay in deep like. By that he meant to continue to do things like hold hands and doing the little things for one another. That has stuck with us and it is something that we are constantly striving to do. Something I wish someone would have told us is that Satan will strive hard to get you to make praying together difficult because of schedules and other activities.
The counsel that Thomas S. Monson was given at his sealing in the temple was
"May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure than any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another" (Hawkins, 196).
Prayer is vital in the home and families. It can give children an example to base their personal lives off of. It allows them to see the importance of prayer because of the importance that is placed on it in their home and with their parents. As Logan and I have knelt together in prayer, I have been able to see the things that he is seeing that we need help with or that he is thinking of to pray for. I get to know his heart just by kneeling down and praying together.
Logan and I are so far from perfect in this area, but we are trying and striving to get into a habit of praying together every day. We have seen the difference it made in our marriage and I challenge you to take this upcoming week and pray every day with your spouse, changing turns each night, to learn about what is important to your spouse at that time. I am also taking that challenge with you. Every day starting today, we will pray together and hopefully rekick start our good habit of praying with one another aloud everyday.
"When people perceive something sacred, it changes the way they treat it" (Hawkins, 196).
How do we perceive our marriages? Is it of the utmost importance and something that we want to see last forever?
"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." -Elder F. Burton Howard
Let us protect and strengthen our marriages by staying in deep like, praying together, and understanding that we can always strive to become better personally and together as a couple.
When our marriages are struggling, pray to make it better. When our marriages are great and wonderful, pray to keep it that way.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave the following quote on prayer raising our marriages up, "If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony" (Hawkins, 197).
Let me reiterate my challenge to you, no matter where you are in your marriage, get on your knees every day this week and pray together aloud. Pray for your marriage, each other, your children, and the things you need.
Prayer changes things. Let it into your home and marriage and let it change things there.
Everyone makes mistakes. Each and every one of us have hurt someone in our lives whether it has been through our actions or our words. We also have each been a victim of hurtful words and actions. In my opinion, when we are hurt from people outside of our family it can be easier to get over it because they technically don't have to in our lives if we choose for them not to be. Our families are with us. We grow up with them, laugh with them, are friends, and we're stuck with them.
When someone wrongs us within the family it can be extremely hurtful. There are so many ways we can be wronged by others in family life- words, actions, abuse, sin, neglect, etc. Some cases are much worse than others, but in each steps need to be taken to correct the mistake and forgive one another. This should be an ongoing process in the home.
There are many times when I need to apologize to my husband because I get grumpy or frustrated because he doesn't put his dishes in the sink or he doesn't realize that I need help cleaning the house (why can't mind reading be a real superpower gifted to all men right?). That is wrong of me, but I recognize it and I really have been trying to get better with it, but trust me, I'm still struggling. But because I ask for forgiveness and make efforts to change and do better, I am going through the repentance and forgiveness process for family life.
And let's be real.. how could I ever really be mad at this handsome guy?
Dallin H. Oaks stated the following, "The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. ... Repenting means giving up all of our practices- personal, family, ethnic, and national- that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change" (Hawkins, 202).
As we each come to a time to need to repent after making a mistake, there are steps and requirements that need to be made.
"1. Recoginze the sin. We admit to ourselves that we have done something wrong.
2. Feel sorrow for the sin. Feeling sorrowful, we are humble and submissive before God, and we come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit.
3. Forsake the sin. We STOP committing the sin and pledge to NEVER do it again.
4. Confess. We should confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins that might affect our standing in the Church to the proper ecclesiastical authority.
5. Make restitution. Insofar as possible, we make right any wrong that we have done." (Hawkins, 205).
Repentance is not an easy thing. It can hurt us and it can also others. But it ultimately heals and frees us. Repentance and forgiveness are the keys to a happy home.
Sometimes forgiveness can be hard because of different
situations. In my class we have talked about abuse in the family; I am
blessed to not have experienced that, but that can be a really difficult
thing to move past and forgive. But the hope in that is that the Savior
has felt everything we do and He will forgive us for our wrong doings.
We are supposed to be like Him, therefore we should also strive to be
continually forgiving of others. It won't always be easy, but it is
worth it.
"Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment" (Hawkins, 205).
Just as there is steps in repentance, there is steps to forgiveness.
"1. Recall the hurt. It is human nature to try to protect ourselves from pain. Too often we try to deny or forget the pain of the offense and avoid the discomfort associated with addressing that offense...
2. Empathize. Empathy involves borrowing the lens of another person so we can see something from their point of view. In order to forgive, it is important to understand the feelings of the transgressor...
3. Offer the altruistis gift of forgiveness. Forgiving with altruism is easier when the victim is humbled by an awareness of his or her own shortcomings and offenses, with special gratitude for those occasions when he or she was freely forgiven.
4. Commit Publicly to Forgive. The victim has a better chance of successful forgiveness if he or she verbalizes the forgiveness commitment to another person. Some victims have formalized their decision by writing a letter, making a journal entry, or creating a certificate of forgiveness.
5. Hold on to Forgiveness. After completing the forgiveness process, victims may still be haunted on occasions by the pain of the offense. During this stage it is important to move forward. When thoughts revert to the painful injury, the victim is reminded that the decision to forgive has already been made. He or she does not have to repeat the process..." (Hawkins, 206).
I got the above image from Pinterest, there is no external link from there, but I LOVE this image. To me it can perfectly depict the Savior when we come to Him hurt and broken from the wrong of another. I hope that everyone has had the opportunity to feel His arms around them and lifting them as they use His atonement to help heal their hearts. He knows what we feel. He has felt it and because of that, He cries too. I sit here, tears streaming down my face due to this image because I have been there. I have been the receiver of His grace because of others. I have felt his grace encompass me as I have been hurt. We all have these experiences and as difficult as it is, we can each overcome the pain through the atonement!
"The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His inifinite capacity to heal" (Hawkins, 208).
This video is an amazing example of the power of forgiveness.
I challenge each of you to think of someone in your life that you might need to forgive. You may have just shoved the feelings away and hidden them, but I challenge you to forgiveness. I challenge you to pray and ask for the help of the Savior and to ask for Him to help you move the forgiveness.
And I also challenge you to say I'm sorry. It is very humbling when we try to really see what we say that could be taken offensive or when we do things that hurt others. Telling them you are sorry, can greatly benefit a relationship!
Every family has been through moments of sunshine and flowers and then moments of darkness and rain. That is bound to happen because as humans we all have the right to our agency and we will all make decisions that will affect our family for good and for bad.
Just the other day night I was on campus because our internet wasn't working at our apartment to finish up some homework; I watched as two friends walked out of a class and were talking. One of them asked the other if they were OK, and the she fell apart. I watched the friend give her a hug and try to comfort her as she listened to her pain from finding out her brother was leaving the gospel. (They were right next to my table.. I could hear everything)
How often does this happen? It doesn't even have to be that they leave the gospel, it can be any part of our lives that they choose to leave and it is earth shattering! Our families and homes are supposed to be our strength and our shelter from the storm, but sometimes a storm rages within.
In regards to family members leaving the gospel, there is hope! We have been taught about the atonement and the sacrifice our Savior made so we could return home to our Heavenly Father. But there is more that can also help save them. A husband and wife who have sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, have not just given themselves the blessings of being exalted, they have also given them to their children (Hawkins, 173). "Joseph Smith declared-and he never taught more comforting doctrine-the the promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would not only save themselves, but likewise their posterity...." (Hawkins, 173).
Oh but the anguish during the time that the child is straying is so hard. Parents pray, pray, and pray for the return of their child. Sometimes parents will become angry and frustrated because they feel like their prayers are not being heard. About this very thing "Elder John K. Carmack explained: Typical and normal parental reactions [to family problems with wayward children] include sorrow, despair, desperation, depression, feelings of guilt and unworthiness, and a sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents may also experience anger and withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up. These reaction usually make matters worse, deepening the problems they face" (Hawkins, 172).
In order to make sure that our children are kept under our covenant blessings, we need to make sure that we are living up to our temple covenants. The children can't be saved unless we fully live up to our covenants. The idea of being bound by the covenants was emphasized by President Boyd K. Packer, "Now, sometimes there are those that are lost. We have the promise of the prophets that they are not lost permanently, that if they are sealed in the temple ordinances and if the covenants are kept [by parents], in due time, after all the correction that's necessary to be given, that they will not be lost" (Hawkins, 173).
Think of the story of the prodigal son. He took his inheritance (the knowledge of the gospel in our context) and he left. After he had lost everything he had, he was humbled and came back to his father. This is just like the way it is when our children leave the gospel. We have to let them use their agency, but we cannot give up our own faith.
I am not yet a parent so I cannot say that I have experienced these things, but I have seen families that have and I have always admire the strength of the parents who have continued to love their children and live the gospel.
"President Ezra Taft Benson taught that a father's calling 'is an eternal calling from which he is never released" (Hawkins, 140).
The role of a father isn't easily defined. In some cases he is our biggest cheerleader and sometimes he is the one working so hard so we can be a cheerleader or whatever it is that we want to do. Child interactions with fathers may not be as often as with mothers, but they are equally as important.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World gives a clear look at some of the areas that the father is in charge of. It states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families" (Proclamation).
Let's break this down to the 3 P's- preside, provide, and protect.
For fathers to preside, it does not mean to rule, reign, and make all the decisions, it simply means to be in authority. This allows a father to gather this family together for counsels, family prayer, FHE, dinner, and other times when they need to be together. Once together he can also call upon others and direct the meeting/activity.
Growing up we had an order that we would pray in, but now that it we are always coming and going at different times, my dad is the one who calls on someone to pray or give a lesson in FHE. In our little family Logan is the one who will remind me who needs to pray at meals and at night. Sometimes we struggle to remember to say prayers at night together because usually I'm going to bed before him but he will remind me as he comes in and gets on his knees to pray.
"Abraham Heschel, a leading Jewish philosopher, identified the father as a powerful spiritual figure in the family circle with a moral responsibility to teach and care for his children. He suggested that fathers are meant to be teachers and holy figures in the lives of their children" (Hawkins, 141).
What good does it do for a father to teach a child? A father will work hard all day to provide for the family and maybe his energy is well spent before he even reaches the home, but as he takes time to spend with the kids, their lives will be greatly enriched. Many studies have been done to test the affect that having fathers who are involved in children's lives affected them throughout their life. Children who are in preschool and have had involvement with their father, tend to have greater cognitive ability, more individual control, and more empathy with other children (Hawkins, 142). Just by being involved and having strong positive connections with their children, fathers have the ability to put their abilities ahead of peers.
"As children grow older, positive involvement by fathers is strongly associated with fewer behaviors involving externalizing (negative actions) and internalizing (negative emotions)" (Hawkins, 142).
I have so many fears and worries about becoming a parent and raising kids, but a lot of those fears can be eliminated or lessened by the involvement of a father. Having a daughter terrifies me, because I know how hard it can be to want to be the pretty, popular one, or to want to have boys want to date you. It terrifies Logan because he doesn't want her be promiscuous. I'm scared to raise boys because how do you teach them to stay away from pornography, peer pressure, and everything that can come their way? How do you raise kids when you still feel like you are learning these things?
Those thoughts scare me, but these studies have shown that the likelihood of these things is lessened when the father is positively involved in their life.
When we have kids, I hope to have Logan be a big part of their day and have them look forward to him coming home and getting to spend time with the kiddos.
Provide- When we are looking for a hotel to stay at while we are traveling, we always look for one where a free breakfast is provided and WiFi is provided. Why do we do that? Because we want to make sure our needs are provided for. Logan and I need to have breakfast to have energy throughout the day and I need WiFi to run a business away from home.
What does a family need provided from a father?
Food, shelter, clothes, and opportunities need to be provided from a father for the family.
"In essence, then, to provide in fathering is to assume the stewardship of meeting children's needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one's time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation" (Hawkins, 145).
As I grew up, I feel like I had every opportunity given to me because my parents were willing to pay to let me try a million different things. I started dancing when I was four years old, was put into summer soccer teams, Jazz basketball, and club volleyball teams. I also was in piano lessons that I did not practice for the way I should have and I regret that now. Because of all these things that my parents let me do, my coordination got better, and it helped me learn new skills and make new friends. I know that they put not only me, but all of my older brothers through different hobbies, sports, and other things just to let us figure out what we liked to do.
A big thank you goes out to my parents for letting me try new things and to always have their support in what I was doing no matter how I terrible I really was.
A father who protects his children not only keeps them out of harms way, but he equips them with the tools they will need to be safe when they are away from him.
This world is full of evil and it's just as full of good. Because we have experienced our own set of trials, triumphs, and victories, we can share those with our children. For fathers it is vital to set an example because the example of an honest, true, courageous, and virtuous father can be enough to buoy up a struggling child without even knowing it.
"Modeling is perhaps the most powerful method to teaching young people, children are able to learn and acquire habits of behavior that will protect them as they follow a father's positive example" (Hawkins, 147).
Through the example a father sets on how he loves his wife, his daughters can learn how they should be treated and want to be loved. The sons can learn how to respect and treat a woman as well.
My dad is the handiest, handy man I know. He knows just about everything to help fix just about anything. When I was in high school, he took care of my car and I never had to worry because he was going to take care of it. The first time I got a flat tire, he drove into town to change it for me. When I slid off the road on my way to the high school for a basketball game, he was the only person I wanted to come to my rescue. He was my protector. Well, I still don't know how to change tire, but I know how to be strong in the midst of a trial, because he taught me how. I know how to be kind and serve others willingly because he showed me how. I am strong today because my dad protected me, loved me, and gave me the opportunities I needed to grow.
Men, how are you doing on your duties to one day be a father or as a father now?
Women, how are you strengthening and helping me to realize and fulfill their duties?
Anyone have any great ways to really get in the habit of prayers as a couple when one of you goes to bed earlier/later than the other?
When you type mother definition into Google it gives you this definition: noun- a woman in relation to a child or child to whom she has given birth. But then it also states another definition: verb- to bring up a child with care and affection.
I love the second definition it gives, because that is truly what a mother is. A mother isn't someone who merely gives birth to a child, it is someone who loves and raises a child. They take on a divine role when they become mothers. Women do not give up who they are by having children and taking on the role as mother. Society may view becoming a mother as living a half life, because it gives up the ability to make achievements in the work force (Hawkins, 129).
I personally am grateful for the full life my mother lived as a mother as she raised us kids. I do not think that her life was hindered at all in being home with us as we were young and growing. She cared for us each and we all have great relationships with her because we were able to connect at a young age with her. "A critical way that mothers influence development is through the emotion work they perform to maintain and strengthen individual well-being and family relations" (Hawkins, 133).
The purpose of a mother in my eyes is to be one with the Lord as she nurtures and raises His children. Womwn have distinct maternal instincts to care for and love others. The reason for this ability is because the daughters will come home with a broken heart needing a mother to love them, they will struggle with self esteem and they need someone to relate with them. The sons will come home not knowing how to approach a girl and need advice, they will also need to be given confidence when they are unsure of themselves. The children may not openly come to a mother and talk about these things, but it is felt and they are comforted through what the mother says and does.
"In the words of President Spencer W. Kimball, 'Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments' (Hawkins, 130).
Women are selfless and so giving. Mothers spend the day kissing boo boos, washing the dishes, picking up toys, playing make believe, and making food. Those things are done many times a day and every day. The world views these kind of things as monotonous and sometimes we may feel like it gets to bet that way, but we need to remember that we should take some time out for ourselves as well.
"Elder M. Russell Ballard counseled to mothers to find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children" (Hawkins, 135).
"When they see motherhood as a relationship rather than a set or tasks, mother will also recognize the dangers in comparing their mothering with others. A mother will understand that her mothering will be individual because she is giving her best, unique self to her children. The one that that she has to offer is her individual person. Her interests, talents, mind, and all that she has developed become her offering to the relationship she has with each of her children" (Hawkins, 135).
Knowing that we are to give everything we are to our children, it really solidifies that women need a break to do some things for themselves to further develop skills and talents.
To wrap this post up, I want to touch on the fault of comparison and the thief of our confidence in ourselves. Each family is unique because of its circumstance, family dynamics, and personalities. Mothers should not compare themselves or their children with others, because we do not know what things are really like for them. These children are sent to you as a mother for a reason. They NEED you and you NEED them. Motherhood is a calling of responsibility, love, and learning.
Women need to watch out for comparisons in their mothering abilities, but also in their self image and esteem. We need to feel confident in ourselves and in our beauty. We are our harshest critics. But did you know that when you constantly pick at yourself and the way you look, those ideas and thoughts enter into your children. They see you beautifully, and if you think something is wrong with you, they in turn will think something is wrong with them.
This is something that I really struggle with. Logan and I started talking about how I need to be more positive now in preparation for when we do have kids so that I can become confident now. It's so hard in a world that shows the ideal of the cover on the magazines, and that isn't true. The ideal is being beautiful as you!
"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living"- and they did so before she ever bore a child... Motherhood is more than bearing children... It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us" (Hawkins, 137).
Any suggestions on building up confidence and self esteem?
Has anyone taught their daughters or sons to have a great self esteem and image? I would love to hear how!!
I really feel like I come to this blog at the end of each month and think... Now wait.. where did that month go? That's true and even multiplied by 10 for February. I really think I blinked and now here it is the 26th! Mr. Logan and I did have a lot of fun this month though.
To kick off the month right, we went to an Imagine Dragons concert with my Jared and his wife Chelsea on February 9th. And it was AMAZING!! The concert was in Boise at the Taco Bell Arena. We got to Boise about an hour before doors opened so we hit up Noodles and Co for dinner. That was a first for Logan and I eating there and if there is a Noodles and Co anywhere when I'm on vacation that is a must eat. It was really yummy!!! We got to the arena to wait in line for the doors to open because we were on the floor level and we wanted some good seats (standing space)... and by golly we got them!!
There was literally 3 rows of people from us to the stage. We were SOO close!
I thought I liked them before we went to the concert, but I LOVE them. And they were so good live. I won't lie, it was a little "harder" live than on the CD and it was amazing. The live version of Radioactive was incredible.
I have been to a Rascal Flatts concert and David Archuleta (Jared says that doesn't really count as a concert) and now this one. Imagine Dragons killed the other ones. One of the songs they had those big balls all over the place and when they popped they exploded with confetti! So cool! Thanks to Jared and Chelsea for letting us go with you. It was so much fun!!
The following week was Valentines Day. It started off with breakfast in bed. I made some cinnamon roll waffles and some chocolate milk and surprised Logan with it.
Logan had work off without even requesting it off so that was pretty cool!! I had to go to school that day though. Logan picked up a heart shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's and hid some cards around the house for me to find. The first card was on the door when I walked up to unlock it. Another was by a light switch, the bathroom door, hanging from the counter, and on the wall. I got the last one when we were about to go to bed.
We had Emily (Logan's sis) come over and have pizza with us and then we went over to our friends and Jared's stake Valentines dance to see them. We danced to the last song and had some yummy desserts.
After that we headed over to the Craze to play some arcade games! I love arcade games; when we were dating Logan took me on a date to the Craze once and I fell in love with it. I'm a kid at heart and Logan is too so it makes it fun! We played Swamp Stomp, the basketball game, skeeball, and Deal or no Deal. We also played this jumping game where we soon realized.. I may not have the best timing.
We won a bunch of tickets and got a lot of random things including some jumbo playing cards, fruit snacks, tootsie rolls that were a little old and hard, suckers, and parachute guys to throw off the top of the stadium one of these days!
Let's be honest for a minute, I never liked Valentines Day. It really has to do with the fact that my birthday is the next day, so I felt like my birthday wasn't that special because everyone just got flowers, chocolates, stuffed bears, and whatever else the day before. Yes, I had a terrible childhood because of it... Just kidding! :) But this year I really think I liked it.. Gasp.. The world is still turning though so no worries. It was fun to just have time with Lo and we could do little things without spending lots of money or feeling like we needed to get each other presents. And I had the BEST valentine ever, feel free to argue that, but it's true.
Our cute Valentine decorations- the mailboxes were my favorite. We have two- one for Lo and one for me. We left each other notes and goodies and put the flag up to let each other know we had mail!
I already spilled the beans, my birthday was the day after Valentines Day! So I got to celebrate all over again!! Logan and I met up with our friends, Kenon and Marissa, for ice cream at Scoops because they have Playdough and it's delicious. As we were chowing away at our ice cream, the boys stepped outside.. and left us with a spare key to the other car and a clue to follow. Let's just say we had quite the goose chase ahead of us. We first had to go to a place called Game Pulse that our husbands like to go to so they can play a game on the internet. There we got weirded out waiting for our next clue. There we got our favorite drinks- Strawberry Banana Naked for me and chocolate milk for Marissa. From there we had to go to the ethanol free gas station in Rexburg (the clues were much much much harder than that because of their crazy wording). From there we went to a park, then to the boys bathroom at Walmart. Then to the video game area of Walmart and finally that led us to the Hickory where we ate dinner with our guys. This scavenger hunt took us 2 hours!! It was crazy hard but in the end the boys had flowers and Florence chocolates for us to that made it better.
From there we went to Shelley to celebrate with my fam. My Grandpa and Grandma Clark, Trent, Lindsey and their kids, and my parents were there. We had some of my favorite chocolate dessert!
I'm officially 21 and I applied for my cool horizontal license. This way I will actually still look like myself. My last license made people do a double take.. must be the hair.
This past weekend I went to a couple baby showers! One for a cousin and one for a best friend from high school... Rylee is due in just a couple weeks and her little baby bump is so cute! It looks like she shoved a volleyball up her shirt because you can't tell her's prego from the back.
The 23rd was our one year anniversary! Whoo! I already blogged about that so I will leave it at that.
And now tomorrow we leave to Las Vegas to celebrate our one year anniversary! We are staying at the MGM Grand Signature for 2 nights and I can hardly wait. On Friday I also get to meet my favorite photographer from Virginia for a coaching session and Logan gets to come too. After that we are doing another photography conference called WPPI. This weekend is going to be amazing and I can't wait to learn more about photography!
Oh, one last thing. This month Logan and I officially decided after lots of prayers, going to the temple and talking (no this not a baby announcement), I will be graduating with my associates at the end of this semester. I am grateful for the education I have gotten so far, but I feel like it is time to focus on other things and I'm excited to see where the future takes us!
First things first... I hope you all went on a date with a significant other and really enjoyed the company the you brought each other. I hope compliments were given and affection shown.
To be the best kind of parent, it starts in our marriages. John Gottman gives us a look at something called a Parenting Pyramid. The pyramid base starts with a personal way of being. We need to know who we are, be confident in ourselves, and feel good about ourselves. The second step is the husband/wife relationship. We need to have a strong marriage connection to be able to be on the same page in parenting and because we also need to feel loved to give love to our children. Keep those marriages on track and as a priority!! That is what lets us keep building our pyramid. The middle step of the pyramid is a parent/child relationship step. Parents are supposed to have a friendship with their kids. It isn't just about disciplining and teaching them, it is to give them a constant friend as well. The next step is to teach; it really intrigued me that having a good relationship came before the teaching, but it makes sense! If we don't have a good relationship with someone it is hard to learn from them or want to learn from them. Correction is the top of the pyramid. Think of a pyramid, the top isn't a big part when it is divided into five steps. That means that correction needs to be the smallest part in your parenting relationship!
To dive into parenting, let's take a look at what The Proclamation to the World says about parenting. You can find it here if you want to read more.
"The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife."
When Adam and Eve were placed on the Earth, you think that the Lord would have a lot of different things He needed to tell them about the Earth and their responsibilities, but the very first thing that He told them was they were to multiply and replenish and the earth. That tells us a lot of the importance that should be placed on parenthood.
My Fowler family
In parenting there are three different parenting styles that are used in families. The first style is authoritarian/coercive. This parenting style "is characterized by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or pyschologically controlling means" (Hawkins, 105). I took a parenting class last Spring where we learned about the three different styles and something that really helped me understand what each style meant was a little chart. At the top there were three things bonding/connection, regulation, and autonomy granting. On the side it listed the three styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. We then were taught that in an authoritarian parent/child relationship there is a L (low) level of connection and relationship between them, there is a H (high) level of regulation where a parent is involved in the child's life, and there is a L level of autonomy granting. If a child is in kind of relationship with a parent it can lead to rebellion. "Psychological control designed to manipulate children's mental and emotional experience and expression has been associated with children's and adolescents' 'externalizing,' or aggressive, disruptive, or delinquent behavior; and 'internalizing,' or developing problems such as anxiety or depression" (Hawkins, 106). Look at the kind of effect parents can have on their children. If we knew the way that we were parenting would lead to these kind of things, would we still parent that way?
Permissive parenting is another style of parenting that is used. "Permissve parenting is characterized by parents who overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices" (Hawkins, 107). In a permissive parent/child relationship there is a M (moderate) connection level, a L regulation level, and a H autonomy granting level. That means that they are kind of trying to be the "cool" parent and allow their kids to do what they want so that allows them to have an OK relationship with their kids. They don't really get involved in their lives and they let them choose what they want to do without any repercussions really. "Research suggests that children raised by permissive parents may have greater difficulty respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans" (Hawkins, 107).
Again, thinking of the consequences that can come from allowing this kind of parenting style to be yours, wouldn't you rather change that? The untold things to come could be devastating to the children. A quote from Elder Joe J. Christensen states, "We should avoid spoiling children by giving them too much. In our day, many children grow up with distorted values because we as parents overindulge them...One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves. Instant gratification generally makes for weak people" (Hawkins, 107).
The third parenting style is authoritative and it fits the bill for being the best of the three. "Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior... This style creates a positive emotional climate that helps children be more open to parental input and direction..." (Hawkins, 108). The graph for authoritative parenting gives H level for connection, H level for regulation, and H level for autonomy granting. This kind of relationship is ideal. It allows you to be close to your children, give counsel that they can go off of, and they still know that you are there to help guide them and discipline them when necessary. The difficult task to this style of parenting is that it is individual, where as the others can be done the same for all the children. Each child will be different and the parenting will need to change with each person due to their temperaments, predispositions, and personalities.
Reflect back on your childhood. What did you love about your parents? Is
there things that you wish they would have done a little differently?
If you could tell your parents something about their parenting what you
tell them?
Now that you know about these different parenting styles, what will you do better your parenting? Because hindsight is 20/20 and we can see things that our parents did that maybe we didn't agree with or didn't like, how can you make sure to not have those things in the way you parent your children?
To be the best kind of parent, there needs to be love unrestricted. For no reason should we hold back our love from our children. Children need to be told they are loved every day. They need to supported in their dreams, goals, and ambitions.
To be the best parent, we need to the best of ourselves. Here's your challenge for the week, what is your best self? Write down a list of things you think make you your best self. Now be honest with yourself, what things do you need to improve on? Do those things! Try every day to be a little better to be better for your children.
We are here on this earth to be tested and tried in order to return to our Heavenly Father. These experiences we are going through now will prepare us for the eternities. Because of that knowledge, why are we parents here on this earth? It is because one day we will be like Heavenly Father and Mother and we need to be the best kind of parents we can be. We are learning to be the best kind of parents we can be here on this earth.
My Peterson family
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the April 2013 general conference said, "Would we scold a toddler for stumbling? No, neither does our Heavenly Father."
We aren't going to be perfect parents like our Father in Heaven, but He will not scold us. We must try to do all we can and be the best parent we can. We will be blessed and strengthened for that. Be that kind of parent for your children. Help them do all they can so they can grow too.
A final thought by President Gordon B. Hinckley, "As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is a harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernable, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful... I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our home" (Hawkins, 125).
What kind of fruits do you want to leave behind?
Sources:
The Family: A Proclamation to the World - http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation Hawkins, Alan. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Persepectives. Provo, UT: 2012. 105-108, 125. Print.
A whole year has flown by. I can look back and remember all of our memories and adventures of the year and I just don't know how I let the year slip by so quickly.
A year ago today, I walked into the Idaho Fall Temple Miss Michelle Fowler. I left Mrs. Michelle Peterson (well, it took a few months to make it official with the government ;) ). That day has changed my life for the eternities and I can't believe I'm lucky enough to be able to spend those with Lo. Our wedding day was a total blizzard, until we stepped out of the temple to take pictures as husband and wife. It was perfect when we came out; a fresh blanket of snow, no wind and such a beautiful day. The rest of the day is basically a blur for me it went by so fast after so much planning, but nothing else mattered that day except the fact that I was with Logan and we were sealed in the temple.
During the past year we were able to start shooting weddings together, spent our first week apart when I went to Colorado, went to AZ for a Frost family reunion, move into a tiny, cramped apartment where the fridge made all of our food taste bad, live with my parents for a month, move into our new apartment, going to school, hike some waterfalls, go to Hawaii, dream of going back to Hawaii, celebrate my 21st birthday, and so many more things. This year was stuffed with adventures and by the looks of it, we are headed off for adventures again this year. I can hardly wait to see where this year takes us.
Dear Logan,
You are amazing, but everyone knows that. And I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you, every girl says they are the luckiest, but let's be real I am. You are the kindest and most giving husband I could ever ask for. You are so extremely handsome and even though I sometimes make fun of it, I like your honk if you want this shirt and your "interesting" style just makes you you. When you married me you probably had no idea what you got yourself into, but I'm glad that you still love me no matter what.
Thanks Lo for the very best year of my life. You are the best and I could not ask for more. Thank you for loving me when I'm ornery, heating up rice bags to help my back, and snuggling me when I have bad dreams. You are the best part of my day and I love waking up to you, even if you have bad breath. Thank you for bringing out the best in me and making me want to be better every day. Thank you for opening my door and bringing home Raspberry Peach Sprites from work just because I love them. Thank you for letting me steal the blankets every night and telling me of all the funny things I say in my sleep. Thank you for being silly and weird and letting me know that you love me just the way I am so I can be silly and weird too. Thanks for letting me cut my hair and telling me I'm beautiful. Thank you for believing in me and my dreams when I feel like I get knocked down to the ground. You are the best number one fan I could ever ask for.
I can't wait for all of our adventures during this year, both the big and the small. It will be another one of the best years just having you by my side no matter what we do. I love you forever and always~
Remember that time that I told you hopefully the next blog post was coming tomorrow.. well I actually meant the next week because here we are a week later!
Let's all reflect on pre marriage dating. Awkward, fun, and confusing as anything right?!
In recent years dating has been on the back burner for most single adults because they are hanging out instead. Hanging out relieves the pressure of being one on one and it is a group of people together. That's a great way to find a spouse right? Hmm... Wrong!
Dallin H. Oaks gives the following definition on "hanging out"- "Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining
together in some group activity. It is very different from dating" (Oaks).
Elder Oaks then goes on to tell us what dating is, "Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association
and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and
treasured cases" (Oaks).
Why is the dating field shifting to hanging out?
First, the media gives us the idea that we have soul mates and we then need to find them; what if we can't find them, where are they, etc are things that can plague minds with worry considerations of who to date come into play.
Another reason that hanging out has become so popular is the concept of divorce in marriage. Divorce has affected everyone in some way, we all know someone who has been through a divorce. No one wants to go into a marriage thinking they will fail, because of this many teens are negative about outlooks and low expectations for a happy marriage so they put off dating (Hawkins, 4).
A last thought on why hanging out has become so popular is that Satan wants to destroy family relationships. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy our chances of happily ever after into eternity. He wants us to feel negatively about dating and put in our minds that we need to settle or marry whoever we think is an OK person. When we let hanging out into our pre marriage relationship, it can also lead to a hanging out expectation in marriage.
Do not let those things influence you!!
If you are single and dating, let's look at the differences between hanging out and dating so there is no confusion. When you hang out, there is a group of people hanging out and having a fun time. They all get to know each other to some level but not really significantly. When you go on a date, it is one on one and you get to know each other!
On the topic courtship Elder Lance B. Wickman said, "Courtship is a time for two people to get acquainted. It is a time to
get to know someone, his or her interests, habits, and perspective on
life and the gospel. It is a time to share ambitions and dreams, hopes
and fears. It is a time to test someone’s commitment to gospel living" (Wickman).
The things that he says to find out about a person are really hard to find out while you hang out with a group; in group settings it is hard to get to know someone's heart.
What kind of dates are best while you are dating to find a spouse? I read some articles that took me back to high school really quick. It talks about the big, over the top kind of dates that are unnecessary. It reminded me of the high school dances and all ways boys and girls would ask and answer one another. In my opinion, it wasn't a bad thing for dances because those were something different; what I can see being a little much is that dates for the dances. The dance alone wasn't enough. These dates turned into all day things with a day date, dinner, and the dance.
"The more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. As dates
become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation
that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That
expectation discourages dating even more," is what Elder Oaks states about big dates (Oaks).
As I thought over what kind of dates I most enjoyed while dating Mr. Logan I think I enjoyed most the small and simples ones. Some times we would go for walks and just talk about life. Another date Logan took me to an arcade and we won tickets that we spent buying army guys with parachutes to throw off the BYU-I stadium. These dates gave us a chance to talk and see different sides of each others personalities. Logan also went to the hospital with kidney stones early in our dating relationship. This gave me the chance to see how he was when he was sick as I saw him throw up, drugged up, and in a lot of pain.
While I was in Young Womens I'm pretty sure I made just about 10 different lists of what I wanted in a spouse. At that time, I wrote things that had to do with the spiritual side of things, but I also wanted some of that tall, dark, and handsome stuff. I wanted a husband that was athletic, attractive, strong, etc. When I went to college, I started going on dates and as I did, I compared them to my list. What I noticed was that my list wasn't the most accurate of what I wanted. I was able to learn more about myself from the guys that I dated and I also was able to understand better what I wanted in an eternal companion. I learned that I wanted someone who was more relaxed than I was. I wanted someone who was really happy and optimistic. And money wasn't a big deal in a relationship. When I met Logan, I realized that he was a lot of things on my lists from YW, but he was so much more. The Lord knows us better than we know ourselves and He helped show me the reasons I needed someone like Mr. Logan. Logan brought out the very best in me, he helped me realize my dreams and pushed me to them. I could talk about this a whole bunch more, but one thing we need to realize when we are dating, we may not know what is best for us just yet. Sometimes you need to be open and allow the Lord show you things you need and what He wants for you.
Elder Bednar gives great insight into how to find the kind of eternal companion you want-
"'I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.' And I rather forcefully say to
them, 'You are so arrogrant to things that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these fives things for you! If you found somebody who has these three or four or five
characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they would want to marry you?' The
'list' is not for evaluating somebody else- the list is for you and what you need to become"
(Hawkins, 6).
Isn't that a thought... as we look for an amazing spouse, we need to be amazing. If we want someone who is strong in the gospel or loves the Lord, we need to become those things!
"'Decisions determine destiny. That is why it is worthwhile to look ahead, to set a course, to be ready at least partly ready when the moment of decision comes.' Thus we must look ahead to the type of marriage we want, set a course toward that goal, and then 'prepare every needful thing" (Hawkins, 16).
Now how does this all translate into marriage? Dating should always be part of our relationships as husband wife. As we date before marriage, we strive to get to know everything about a person; when we get married we don't stay that same person from the wedding day. We each grown and change! Because of that we need to be dating our spouse so we can stay connected with our spouses and continue to know their heart. It also helps to keep the flame alive!!
Dating in marriage can be as simple as going for a walk, getting ice cream, or having a Netflix movie night. It is an opportunity for parents to have someone watch the kiddos and get to be just the two of you.
I have a few fun ideas for date night on a Pinterest board- you can find those here.
This weekend I challenge you to take your spouse on a date!! Compliment them the way you did when you were dating. Men open doors for your women, we always appreciate those little things. Talk about your goals and hopes. Get to know each other again!
Alright- I'm terrible at putting this out on a routine schedule, but hopefully this week's post will come tomorrow and I will get on some sort of routine!
Let's do a little recap from the last post about marriage being ordained of God. One of the things I mentioned that can help us in our marriages is to know what our spouses love language is. I shared what our love languages were and challenged you to learn what your spouse speaks! Over the past week and a half, I have made conscious efforts to reach out to Logan through his love languages. When he got home from work, I would run to the door to give him a hug and kiss to welcome him home. I made Kool-Aid to go with dinner (he loves that stuff!) and tried to have dinner ready when would come home. Reaching out to his love language, I felt he could really feel the love I had for him. I know it sounds so silly, but I think that showing love the way they feel it just brings a whole lot more love into the house because you are thinking of the other person more!
We are still working on really getting date night set up weekly. We didn't do great at it last week, we spent time together, we just didn't call it date night. That is still in the works.
Positive words- this was probably one of the biggest changes that I saw in the past week in our home and marriage. I have truly felt overwhelmed and emotionally and mentally drained because of responsibilities this semester. Between school, church calling, photography, and being a wife, I just was struggling. I was just frustrated most of the time and I think that mostly I complained. But there was one day that I could see it; I could see the way my negativity was "hurting" Logan whether he would say it was or not. He didn't know how to comfort me and I wasn't making the home a welcoming place to come to after work. I could have kicked myself when I was able to see the way I had been over the past couple weeks. I told myself that I would be happy. Happiness was going to be in my face, eyes, and spirit. The home would be a place of happiness to come home to; the best thing I could have ever hope for happened.
As I made myself more positive, I noticed so many changes that I wasn't expecting. I was able to get more done than I could when I was complaining. Being positive also helped me make better connections with others and it made going to classes a lot easier for me because I had people to sit by and talk too. But most importantly it did change the atmosphere of our home and our marriage. It brought laughter, smiles, and much happiness to both of us.
This life is supposed to try and test us, but we can still be positive throughout our lives. That is what I aim to do!!
The idea of turning off Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc when it is time for bed may seem baffling to some and I used to really struggle with this, but lately I look forward to getting in bed, setting my alarm and just talking with Logan. That is a time of day that we can relax and be with one another. I enjoy that time of the day wholeheartedly. I hope that you can find the time to turn off the technology and just focus on each other. Maybe when your spouse falls asleep you can use it again, but try to have time just the two of you and see how it enriches your marriage.
Alrighty!! Week two of this blog is dealing with marriage counsels and being equal in our marriages. Marriage counsels can also turn into family counsels as things need to be discussed among all members of the family or just the spouses. Marriage counsels are important because it keeps you aware of one another and the thoughts and feelings that you each have on what is going on.
Decisions can be difficult to make with one another because
you are separate people. You each think
differently and were raised
differently, but you cane come to a decision you can both agree on with
patience and work. When you are counseling together, you need to be open
to other ideas and to what
the other person is saying. If you both come
to the table and say this is what we are going to do and this
is how I
want to do it, you are both going to be frustrated and feel that your
plan is better and it won’t
solve the issue.
As we come together
we should go over possible solutions, disagree, find new ideas, but
listen carefully
to one another as we discuss. We should discuss,
discuss, and discuss some more to reach something that
both persons feel
good about.
President Henry B. Eyring relates an experience where he sat
in on a discussion with the apostles where
they were trying to make a
decision. They each gave their ideas, thoughts, and they had
disagreements.
They kept discussing the matter until a decision had been
arrived at that they agreed on. However, one
person wasn’t quite
settled on what had been decided. Due to that, they postponed making the
final
decision because all needed to feel right about it. (video)
As you
come to counsel together, solutions don’t always need to be forced, wait
for the revelation to come
to each person. Revelation comes at
different times for everyone. In my own marriage, I knew that I was
supposed to marry Logan very early in our relationship because the
Spirit testified of that to me. I didn’t
share this with him though
because he needed to come to that idea by himself. Once we both knew, we
could move forward and get married because we both felt good about it!
Each of us sees things differently and adds a new perspective into our marriages and families. That is one
reason it is so important for us to counsel together because we can open new ideas and explore new options
that may not have been presented if we weren't holding counsels.
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gives this quote about being different from each other-
"The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos
of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of
Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his beautiful sound that adds
depth and richness to the whole" (Hawkins 38).
Elder Bruce C. Hafen adds to that idea of being one of ourselves and one together with our spouse when
he said:
"In the little kingdom of a family, each spouse freely gives something
the other does not have and
without which neither can be complete and
return to God’s presence. Spouses are not a soloist with
an accompanist,
nor are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet,
singing together
in harmony at a level where no solo can go" (Hafen).
Together in our marriages we can go where we could not go alone!! We must work together equally to
make those opportunities a reality.
Counsels should be held to make one another aware of the problems and frustrations we are having in our
lives that we may need help with. Husbands and wives are to help one another and to support each other.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families
in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their
families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities,
fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."
We each have responsibilities that need to be taken care of, but our spouses can help us to accomplish them.
The duties of the husband are not above or below the duties of the wife. The wife's duties are not above or
below the duties of the husband. They are equal but different. How boring would it be if we were all
supposed to do the same things as one another. That would make for one boring life, but it doesn't make
treating someone's roles or responsibilities as lower than our own. We are to be helpmeets for each other.
Elder Earl C. Tingey said:
"You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet.
A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us. We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one
before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband
and a wife" (Hawkins, 38-39).
To end I would like to share some results from research that has been done on couples who demonstrated
equal partnerships. Couples who share equal partnerships have happier relationships, more effective
parenting practices, and better functioning children. When couples are equal they have a higher marital
satisfaction because they have more positive interactions than negative. (Hawkins, 43).
Who doesn't want a marriage full of those things and so much more. As we work together we can
accomplish so much more! Make it a goal this week to work together and find ways to help your spouse
with their responsibilities. Marriages take work, but they are our greatest treasure on this earth and in the
life to come!
Sources:
President Eyring video- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtwpPT1QQQE&feature=feedwll&list=WL Hawkins, Alan. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research
Persepectives. Provo, UT: 2012. 38-43. Print. Hafen, Bruce. "Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners." Ensign. August 2007
Family Proclamation to the World- http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation
In the first paragraph of The Family: A Proclamation to the World it states that, "We The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."
What does it mean by marriage is ordained of God? The Merriam-Webster online dictionary gives the definition of ordained to be established or to order. But what is it that marriage is supposed to establish? Marriages establish a new family unit, help us to become more godly in character, and to become "one" with another person.
In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we each strive to make it to the temple and be sealed for time and all eternity with our spouse. This sealing covenant allows us to return to our Heavenly Father's presence. Marriage is not to be a mockery with Heavenly Father.
Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 commands us, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart (Hawkins, 30). In regards to that scripture, President Ezra Taft Benson gave this insight, "To my knowledge there is only one other thing in all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God Himself" (Hawkins, 30). If we are commanded to love our spouse in the same way that we love the Lord, how great that love should be!!
Due to the serious nature of what marriage means to the Lord, we should be seeking to make marriages better and stronger. Elder Robert D. Hales stated:
"An eternal bond doesn't just happen as a result of sealing covenants
we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will
determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive
the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to
us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in
such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities
(Hawkins, 29)."
How can we strengthen our marriages in order to keep them sacred and of greatest importance?
One thing that many couples may need to learn about is their spouse's love languages. Each person communicates and feels love differently. In the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, he talk about the idea of a love tank; it is just like a gas tank of our cars, but it needs to be filled with love.
"I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty "love tank" may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil...Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better" (Chapman, 23).
Our love tanks can be filled by using our love languages to express love. For example my husband's top love languages are acts of service and physical touch; My first love language is words of affirmation. Knowing this about one another gives us the chance to better understand how to let one another know that we love them. Logan knows that I need to hear how he feels about me or a thank you for doing something. When he acknowledges those things, I know that he is speaking my love language and I'm so grateful that he takes the time to do that. For Logan's love languages, he likes to just be close to me, hold my hand or have me run up and give him a hug and a kiss when he gets home. It also doesn't hurt to fill up a bath for him or bring home is favorite candy bar now and then either. Another benefit from knowing what each others love language is allows me to know that Logan show our love by speaking in our love language to one another too.
Do you know what your spouse's love language is? I challenge each of you to take the test. Even if you have previously taken it because they can change. Take them with one another and find out what each other needs. As you learn their love language, strive to reach out to them with their love language this week. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
When a couple first starts dating, it generally isn't filled with frustrations with one another, but it is a great source of friendship. Being best friends shouldn't change just because wedding rings are being worn. This friendship needs to continued through dating, "friend" talks, and doing things that one another enjoys. When you meet up with a friend to talk, you don't blow up at them for the things that happened in the morning with the kids, you talk about things that make you happy or stress you out. Friends are there to comfort, celebrate and be there for you. Have talks like best friends, leave the negativity towards one another out and be friends! Dating- the once awkward period of not knowing exactly how to act around the person to the fabulous time of dating your best friend to now dating your spouse. This past week I had the opportunity to interview a few couples and I asked them how they kept their marriages strong. One couple made a point to say that date night needs to happen; the date can be an out on the town kind of night or a night in a fort that you made together watching Netflix. Sometimes date night is difficult for Logan and I due to really conflicting schedules, but I'm setting a goal for us to call one night a week date night so that we get to keep on "dating" each other.
Marriage counsels. I'm not talking about going to a therapist, I'm simply talking about counseling as husbands and wives. Each
couple should be taking the opportunity to counsel with one another
often with big and small decisions and situations. Counseling can be a
way that couples come closer together and can cleave to one another as
they go over the situation on their own instead of checking with in-laws
for approval (Kimball). Counseling also
can give us the opportunity to make sure that we are measuring up to
our responsibilities as husband and wife. The Proclamation says that
husband and wife are to love and care for each other. My husband and I
use the moments of pillow talk or driving in the car to talk about
whether or not we are making each other feel loved and appreciated. This
time together helps strengthen our marriage as we counsel together.One
aspect of couples counseling together that could go awry is that they
may feel they being attacked because of the wording that a spouse may
use in response to them. Gottman gives insight into a study of the
positive to negative ratio in couple interactions and it states, “In stable
marriages, the ratio of positive to negative interactions during
conflict situations was at least 5 to 1” (Hawkins, 32).
As we converse about different
topics, we need to be careful with our wording and allow positive
thoughts to come in as well. Tearing each other down is not allowing the
pure love of Christ to be part of our marriages. Couples are commanded
to love one another with the pure love of Christ and it is through that
love that we are able to overlook faults, weaknesses, and to more fully
love them. Loving them this way allows us to be more positive in our
counsels with them. (Hawkins)
This is an area that I am really challenging myself with this week. I want to make sure that my interactions with Logan are positive and make him feel good. I don't want to be a negative wife who only complains and tears down my husband. That shouldn't be the way we interact with one another. That being said, this week I am going to keep track of the negative remarks I make to my husband and make sure that I make up for the words I said with positive statements or focus on what makes me unhappy and try to think of it differently or from his point of view. How can you commit to changing your positive communications with your spouse this week?
Along with communication, I wanted to touch on technology and the way it is interfering. Technology can be a great way for a couple to stay connected throughout the day through simple sweet text messages. They can just say, "Hey I was thinking about you." A simply kissy face emoticon is great too! But with all that greatness, it still should have its place. I have realized that in my marriage, when we lay down at night and aren't really talking, I'm on my phone browsing Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, or other things that take away from time with my spouse. That needs to stop! I am well aware of that and this week I am going to make it a goal to not use my phone or other devices for those things unless we are looking something up. Pillow talk time should be a special time to reconnect at the end of a long day. I challenge you to put the technology away. Be in the moment with your spouse!
In my interviews this past week, I asked each couple how they have changed since they have been married; they all said that they have learned to think of others before themselves and becoming more selfless. That is what we should each strive for. We should put our spouses needs before our own; those times when our marriages may be struggling that is the most important time to put the spouse first. When you are striving to serve them, love follows.
Another question asked was what advice would you give to couples who are struggling, they also said to serve your spouse here. Pray for your spouse was another idea. One idea that really struck a cord with me was when things seem to be going wrong, look at yourself. What part do you have in what is going and how can you change it? Then change it!!!
I know that marriage is vital to our happiness and to return to our Heavenly Father. For that reason we should protect and uphold it to the best of our abilities. I hope that this has given you some insight and ideas on how to strengthen your marriage this week! If you feel the urge to go along with some of these challenges, I would love to hear some feedback on what you have done! Send me an email fow12002@byui.edu Thanks!!
A final thought from C.S. Lewis
Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity,
maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have this
love for each other even at thosemoments when they do not like each other....
It is on this loves that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the
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