What does it mean by marriage is ordained of God? The Merriam-Webster online dictionary gives the definition of ordained to be established or to order. But what is it that marriage is supposed to establish? Marriages establish a new family unit, help us to become more godly in character, and to become "one" with another person.
In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we each strive to make it to the temple and be sealed for time and all eternity with our spouse. This sealing covenant allows us to return to our Heavenly Father's presence. Marriage is not to be a mockery with Heavenly Father.
Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 commands us, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart (Hawkins, 30). In regards to that scripture, President Ezra Taft Benson gave this insight, "To my knowledge there is only one other thing in all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God Himself" (Hawkins, 30). If we are commanded to love our spouse in the same way that we love the Lord, how great that love should be!!
Due to the serious nature of what marriage means to the Lord, we should be seeking to make marriages better and stronger. Elder Robert D. Hales stated:
"An eternal bond doesn't just happen as a result of sealing covenants
we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will
determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive
the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to
us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in
such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities
(Hawkins, 29)."
How can we strengthen our marriages in order to keep them sacred and of greatest importance?
One thing that many couples may need to learn about is their spouse's love languages. Each person communicates and feels love differently. In the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, he talk about the idea of a love tank; it is just like a gas tank of our cars, but it needs to be filled with love.
"I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile. Running your marriage on an empty "love tank" may cost you even more than trying to drive your car without oil...Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better" (Chapman, 23).
Our love tanks can be filled by using our love languages to express love. For example my husband's top love languages are acts of service and physical touch; My first love language is words of affirmation. Knowing this about one another gives us the chance to better understand how to let one another know that we love them. Logan knows that I need to hear how he feels about me or a thank you for doing something. When he acknowledges those things, I know that he is speaking my love language and I'm so grateful that he takes the time to do that. For Logan's love languages, he likes to just be close to me, hold my hand or have me run up and give him a hug and a kiss when he gets home. It also doesn't hurt to fill up a bath for him or bring home is favorite candy bar now and then either. Another benefit from knowing what each others love language is allows me to know that Logan show our love by speaking in our love language to one another too.
Do you know what your spouse's love language is? I challenge each of you to take the test. Even if you have previously taken it because they can change. Take them with one another and find out what each other needs. As you learn their love language, strive to reach out to them with their love language this week.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Marriage counsels. I'm not talking about going to a therapist, I'm simply talking about counseling as husbands and wives. Each couple should be taking the opportunity to counsel with one another often with big and small decisions and situations. Counseling can be a way that couples come closer together and can cleave to one another as they go over the situation on their own instead of checking with in-laws for approval (Kimball). Counseling also can give us the opportunity to make sure that we are measuring up to our responsibilities as husband and wife. The Proclamation says that husband and wife are to love and care for each other. My husband and I use the moments of pillow talk or driving in the car to talk about whether or not we are making each other feel loved and appreciated. This time together helps strengthen our marriage as we counsel together.One aspect of couples counseling together that could go awry is that they may feel they being attacked because of the wording that a spouse may use in response to them. Gottman gives insight into a study of the positive to negative ratio in couple interactions and it states, “In stable marriages, the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict situations was at least 5 to 1” (Hawkins, 32).
As we converse about different topics, we need to be careful with our wording and allow positive thoughts to come in as well. Tearing each other down is not allowing the pure love of Christ to be part of our marriages. Couples are commanded to love one another with the pure love of Christ and it is through that love that we are able to overlook faults, weaknesses, and to more fully love them. Loving them this way allows us to be more positive in our counsels with them. (Hawkins)
This is an area that I am really challenging myself with this week. I want to make sure that my interactions with Logan are positive and make him feel good. I don't want to be a negative wife who only complains and tears down my husband. That shouldn't be the way we interact with one another. That being said, this week I am going to keep track of the negative remarks I make to my husband and make sure that I make up for the words I said with positive statements or focus on what makes me unhappy and try to think of it differently or from his point of view. How can you commit to changing your positive communications with your spouse this week?
In my interviews this past week, I asked each couple how they have changed since they have been married; they all said that they have learned to think of others before themselves and becoming more selfless. That is what we should each strive for. We should put our spouses needs before our own; those times when our marriages may be struggling that is the most important time to put the spouse first. When you are striving to serve them, love follows.
Another question asked was what advice would you give to couples who are struggling, they also said to serve your spouse here. Pray for your spouse was another idea. One idea that really struck a cord with me was when things seem to be going wrong, look at yourself. What part do you have in what is going and how can you change it? Then change it!!!
I know that marriage is vital to our happiness and to return to our Heavenly Father. For that reason we should protect and uphold it to the best of our abilities. I hope that this has given you some insight and ideas on how to strengthen your marriage this week! If you feel the urge to go along with some of these challenges, I would love to hear some feedback on what you have done! Send me an email fow12002@byui.edu Thanks!!
A final thought from C.S. Lewis
Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity,
maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have this
love for each other even at thosemoments when they do not like each other....
It is on this loves that the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the
explosion that started it.
Sources:
Hawkins, Alan. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research
Persepectives. Provo, UT: 2012. 26-37. Print.
Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago, Illinois: 2010. Print.
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