Dating Pre and Post Marriage

Remember that time that I told you hopefully the next blog post was coming tomorrow.. well I actually meant the next week because here we are a week later!

Let's all reflect on pre marriage dating. Awkward, fun, and confusing as anything right?!

 In recent years dating has been on the back burner for most single adults because they are hanging out instead. Hanging out relieves the pressure of being one on one and it is a group of people together. That's a great way to find a spouse right? Hmm... Wrong!
Dallin H. Oaks gives the following definition on "hanging out"- "Hanging out consists of numbers of young men and young women joining together in some group activity. It is very different from dating" (Oaks).
Elder Oaks then goes on to tell us what dating is, "Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases" (Oaks).
Why is the dating field shifting to hanging out?
First, the media gives us the idea that we have soul mates and we then need to find them; what if we can't find them, where are they, etc are things that can plague minds with worry considerations of who to date come into play.
Another reason that hanging out has become so popular is the concept of divorce in marriage. Divorce has affected everyone in some way, we all know someone who has been through a divorce. No one wants to go into a marriage thinking they will fail, because of this many teens are negative about outlooks and low expectations for a happy marriage so they put off dating (Hawkins, 4).
A last thought on why hanging out has become so popular is that Satan wants to destroy family relationships. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy our chances of happily ever after into eternity. He wants us to feel negatively about dating and put in our minds that we need to settle or marry whoever we think is an OK person. When we let hanging out into our pre marriage relationship, it can also lead to a hanging out expectation in marriage.

  Do not let those things influence you!!

If you are single and dating, let's look at the differences between hanging out and dating so there is no confusion. When you hang out, there is a group of people hanging out and having a fun time. They all get to know each other to some level but not really significantly. When you go on a date, it is one on one and you get to know each other!
On the topic courtship Elder Lance B. Wickman said, "Courtship is a time for two people to get acquainted. It is a time to get to know someone, his or her interests, habits, and perspective on life and the gospel. It is a time to share ambitions and dreams, hopes and fears. It is a time to test someone’s commitment to gospel living" (Wickman).
The things that he says to find out about a person are really hard to find out while you hang out with a group; in group settings it is hard to get to know someone's heart.

What kind of dates are best while you are dating to find a spouse? I read some articles that took me back to high school really quick. It talks about the big, over the top kind of dates that are unnecessary. It reminded me of the high school dances and all ways boys and girls would ask and answer one another. In my opinion, it wasn't a bad thing for dances because those were something different; what I can see being a little much is that dates for the dances. The dance alone wasn't enough. These dates turned into all day things with a day date, dinner, and the dance.
"The more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more," is what Elder Oaks states about big dates (Oaks).
 As I thought over what kind of dates I most enjoyed while dating Mr. Logan I think I enjoyed most the small and simples ones. Some times we would go for walks and just talk about life. Another date Logan took me to an arcade and we won tickets that we spent buying army guys with parachutes to throw off the BYU-I stadium. These dates gave us a chance to talk and see different sides of each others personalities. Logan also went to the hospital with kidney stones early in our dating relationship. This gave me the chance to see how he was when he was sick as I saw him throw up, drugged up, and in a lot of pain.

While I was in Young Womens I'm pretty sure I made just about 10 different lists of what I wanted in a spouse. At that time, I wrote things that had to do with the spiritual side of things, but I also wanted some of that tall, dark, and handsome stuff. I wanted a husband that was athletic, attractive, strong, etc. When I went to college, I started going on dates and as I did, I compared them to my list. What I noticed was that my list wasn't the most accurate of what I wanted. I was able to learn more about myself from the guys that I dated and I also was able to understand better what I wanted in an eternal companion. I learned that I wanted someone who was more relaxed than I was. I wanted someone who was really happy and optimistic. And money wasn't a big deal in a relationship. When I met Logan, I realized that he was a lot of things on my lists from YW, but he was so much more. The Lord knows us better than we know ourselves and He helped show me the reasons I needed someone like Mr. Logan. Logan brought out the very best in me, he helped me realize my dreams and pushed me to them. I could talk about this a whole bunch more, but one thing we need to realize when we are dating, we may not know what is best for us just yet. Sometimes you need to be open and allow the Lord show you things you need and what He wants for you.

Elder Bednar gives great insight into how to find the kind of eternal companion you want-
     "'I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.' And I rather forcefully say to
      them, 'You are so arrogrant to things that you are some catch and that you want someone else who       has these fives things for you! If you found somebody who has these three or four or five
      characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they would want to marry you?' The
      'list' is not for evaluating somebody else- the list is for you and what you need to become"
      (Hawkins, 6).

Isn't that a thought... as we look for an amazing spouse, we need to be amazing. If we want someone who is strong in the gospel or loves the Lord, we need to become those things!

"'Decisions determine destiny. That is why it is worthwhile to look ahead, to set a course, to be ready at least partly ready when the moment of decision comes.' Thus we must look ahead to the type of marriage we want, set a course toward that goal, and then 'prepare every needful thing" (Hawkins, 16).

Now how does this all translate into marriage? Dating should always be part of our relationships as husband wife. As we date before marriage, we strive to get to know everything about a person; when we get married we don't stay that same person from the wedding day. We each grown and change! Because of that we need to be dating our spouse so we can stay connected with our spouses and continue to know their heart. It also helps to keep the flame alive!!
Dating in marriage can be as simple as going for a walk, getting ice cream, or having a Netflix movie night. It is an opportunity for parents to have someone watch the kiddos and get to be just the two of you.

I have a few fun ideas for date night on a Pinterest board- you can find those here.

This weekend I challenge you to take your spouse on a date!! Compliment them the way you did when you were dating. Men open doors for your women, we always appreciate those little things. Talk about your goals and hopes. Get to know each other again!

Sources-
Hawkins, Alan. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research  
      Persepectives. Provo, UT: 2012. 4, 7, 16. Print.
Oaks, Dallin. Dating Versus Hanging Out 
      http://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/06/dating-versus-hanging-out?lang=eng
Wickman, Lance. Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in Marriage Decision 
     http://www.lds.org/ensign/2010/04/confidence-tests-from-fear-to-faith-in-the-marriage-decision?lang=eng