The Best Parent

First things first... I hope you all went on a date with a significant other and really enjoyed the company the you brought each other. I hope compliments were given and affection shown.

To be the best kind of parent, it starts in our marriages. John Gottman gives us a look at something called a Parenting Pyramid. The pyramid base starts with a personal way of being. We need to know who we are, be confident in ourselves, and feel good about ourselves. The second step is the husband/wife relationship. We need to have a strong marriage connection to be able to be on the same page in parenting and because we also need to feel loved to give love to our children. Keep those marriages on track and as a priority!! That is what lets us keep building our pyramid. The middle step of the pyramid is a parent/child relationship step. Parents are supposed to have a friendship with their kids. It isn't just about disciplining and teaching them, it is to give them a constant friend as well. The next step is to teach; it really intrigued me that having a good relationship came before the teaching, but it makes sense! If we don't have a good relationship with someone it is hard to learn from them or want to learn from them. Correction is the top of the pyramid. Think of a pyramid, the top isn't a big part when it is divided into five steps. That means that correction needs to be the smallest part in your parenting relationship!

To dive into parenting, let's take a look at what The Proclamation to the World says about parenting. You can find it here if you want to read more.
"The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife."
When Adam and Eve were placed on the Earth, you think that the Lord would have a lot of different things He needed to tell them about the Earth and their responsibilities, but the very first thing that He told them was they were to multiply and replenish and the earth. That tells us a lot of the importance that should be placed on parenthood.

 My Fowler family

In parenting there are three different parenting styles that are used in families. The first style is authoritarian/coercive. This parenting style "is characterized by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or pyschologically controlling means" (Hawkins, 105). I took a parenting class last Spring where we learned about the three different styles and something that really helped me understand what each style meant was a little chart. At the top there were three things bonding/connection, regulation, and autonomy granting. On the side it listed the three styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. We then were taught that in an authoritarian parent/child relationship there is a L (low) level of connection and relationship between them, there is a H (high) level of regulation where a parent is involved in the child's life, and there is a L level of autonomy granting. If a child is in kind of relationship with a parent it can lead to rebellion. "Psychological control designed to manipulate children's mental and emotional experience and expression has been associated with children's and adolescents' 'externalizing,' or aggressive, disruptive, or delinquent behavior; and 'internalizing,' or developing problems such as anxiety or depression" (Hawkins, 106). Look at the kind of effect parents can have on their children. If we knew the way that we were parenting would lead to these kind of things, would we still parent that way?

Permissive parenting is another style of parenting that is used. "Permissve parenting is characterized by parents who overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices" (Hawkins, 107). In a permissive parent/child relationship there is a M (moderate) connection level, a L regulation level, and a H autonomy granting level. That means that they are kind of trying to be the "cool" parent and allow their kids to do what they want so that allows them to have an OK relationship with their kids. They don't really get involved in their lives and they let them choose what they want to do without any repercussions really. "Research suggests that children raised by permissive parents may have greater difficulty respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans" (Hawkins, 107).
Again, thinking of the consequences that can come from allowing this kind of parenting style to be yours, wouldn't you rather change that? The untold things to come could be devastating to the children. A quote from Elder Joe J. Christensen states, "We should avoid spoiling children by giving them too much. In our day, many children grow up with distorted values because we as parents overindulge them...One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves. Instant gratification generally makes for weak people" (Hawkins, 107).

The third parenting style is authoritative and it fits the bill for being the best of the three. "Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior... This style creates a positive emotional climate that helps children be more open to parental input and direction..." (Hawkins, 108). The graph for authoritative parenting gives H level for connection, H level for regulation, and H level for autonomy granting. This kind of relationship is ideal. It allows you to be close to your children, give counsel that they can go off of, and they still know that you are there to help guide them and discipline them when necessary. The difficult task to this style of parenting is that it is individual, where as the others can be done the same for all the children. Each child will be different and the parenting will need to change with each person due to their temperaments, predispositions, and personalities.

Reflect back on your childhood. What did you love about your parents? Is there things that you wish they would have done a little differently? If you could tell your parents something about their parenting what you tell them?

Now that you know about these different parenting styles, what will you do better your parenting? Because hindsight is 20/20 and we can see things that our parents did that maybe we didn't agree with or didn't like, how can you make sure to not have those things in the way you parent your children?

To be the best kind of parent, there needs to be love unrestricted. For no reason should we hold back our love from our children. Children need to be told they are loved every day. They need to supported in their dreams, goals, and ambitions.
To be the best parent, we need to the best of ourselves. Here's your challenge for the week, what is your best self? Write down a list of things you think make you your best self. Now be honest with yourself, what things do you need to improve on? Do those things! Try every day to be a little better to be better for your children.

We are here on this earth to be tested and tried in order to return to our Heavenly Father. These experiences we are going through now will prepare us for the eternities. Because of that knowledge, why are we parents here on this earth? It is because one day we will be like Heavenly Father and Mother and we need to be the best kind of parents we can be. We are learning to be the best kind of parents we can be here on this earth.

My Peterson family

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the April 2013 general conference said, "Would we scold a toddler for stumbling? No, neither does our Heavenly Father."

We aren't going to be perfect parents like our Father in Heaven, but He will not scold us. We must try to do all we can and be the best parent we can. We will be blessed and strengthened for that. Be that kind of parent for your children. Help them do all they can so they can grow too.

A final thought by President Gordon B. Hinckley, "As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is a harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernable, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful... I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our home" (Hawkins, 125).

What kind of fruits do you want to leave behind?

Sources:
The Family: A Proclamation to the World - http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation
Hawkins, Alan. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research  
      Persepectives. Provo, UT: 2012. 105-108, 125. Print.