Repentance and Forgiveness in the Family

Everyone makes mistakes. Each and every one of us have hurt someone in our lives whether it has been through our actions or our words. We also have each been a victim of hurtful words and actions. In my opinion, when we are hurt from people outside of our family it can be easier to get over it because they technically don't have to in our lives if we choose for them not to be. Our families are with us. We grow up with them, laugh with them, are friends, and we're stuck with them.

When someone wrongs us within the family it can be extremely hurtful. There are so many ways we can be wronged by others in family life- words, actions, abuse, sin, neglect, etc. Some cases are much worse than others, but in each steps need to be taken to correct the mistake and forgive one another. This should be an ongoing process in the home.

There are many times when I need to apologize to my husband because I get grumpy or frustrated because he doesn't put his dishes in the sink or he doesn't realize that I need help cleaning the house (why can't mind reading be a real superpower gifted to all men right?). That is wrong of me, but I recognize it and I really have been trying to get better with it, but trust me, I'm still struggling. But because I ask for forgiveness and make efforts to change and do better, I am going through the repentance and forgiveness process for family life.

And let's be real.. how could I ever really be mad at this handsome guy?

Dallin H. Oaks stated the following, "The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. ... Repenting means giving up all of our practices- personal, family, ethnic, and national- that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change" (Hawkins, 202).

As we each come to a time to need to repent after making a mistake, there are steps and requirements that need to be made.

"1. Recoginze the sin. We admit to ourselves that we have done something wrong.
2. Feel sorrow for the sin. Feeling sorrowful, we are humble and submissive before God, and we come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit.
3. Forsake the sin. We STOP committing the sin and pledge to NEVER do it again.
4. Confess. We should confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins that might affect our standing in the Church to the proper ecclesiastical authority.
5. Make restitution. Insofar as possible, we make right any wrong that we have done." (Hawkins, 205).

Repentance is not an easy thing. It can hurt us and it can also others. But it ultimately heals and frees us. Repentance and forgiveness are the keys to a happy home.

Sometimes forgiveness can be hard because of different situations. In my class we have talked about abuse in the family; I am blessed to not have experienced that, but that can be a really difficult thing to move past and forgive. But the hope in that is that the Savior has felt everything we do and He will forgive us for our wrong doings. We are supposed to be like Him, therefore we should also strive to be continually forgiving of others. It won't always be easy, but it is worth it.

"Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment" (Hawkins, 205).

Just as there is steps in repentance, there is steps to forgiveness.
"1. Recall the hurt. It is human nature to try to protect ourselves from pain. Too often we try to deny or forget the pain of the offense and avoid the discomfort associated with addressing that offense...
2. Empathize. Empathy involves borrowing the lens of another person so we can see something from their point of view. In order to forgive, it is important to understand the feelings of the transgressor...
3. Offer the altruistis gift of forgiveness. Forgiving with altruism is easier when the victim is humbled by an awareness of his or her own shortcomings and offenses, with special gratitude for those occasions when he or she was freely forgiven.
4. Commit Publicly to Forgive. The victim has a better chance of successful forgiveness if he or she verbalizes the forgiveness commitment to another person. Some victims have formalized their decision by writing a letter, making a journal entry, or creating a certificate of forgiveness.
5. Hold on to Forgiveness. After completing the forgiveness process, victims may still be haunted on occasions by the pain of the offense. During this stage it is important to move forward. When thoughts revert to the painful injury, the victim is reminded that the decision to forgive has already been made. He or she does not have to repeat the process..." (Hawkins, 206).

I got the above image from Pinterest, there is no external link from there, but I LOVE this image. To me it can perfectly depict the Savior when we come to Him hurt and broken from the wrong of another. I hope that everyone has had the opportunity to feel His arms around them and lifting them as they use His atonement to help heal their hearts. He knows what we feel. He has felt it and because of that, He cries too. I sit here, tears streaming down my face due to this image because I have been there. I have been the receiver of His grace because of others. I have felt his grace encompass me as I have been hurt. We all have these experiences and as difficult as it is, we can each overcome the pain through the atonement!

"The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His inifinite capacity to heal" (Hawkins, 208).

This video is an amazing example of the power of forgiveness.

I challenge each of you to think of someone in your life that you might need to forgive. You may have just shoved the feelings away and hidden them, but I challenge you to forgiveness. I challenge you to pray and ask for the help of the Savior and to ask for Him to help you move the forgiveness.

And I also challenge you to say I'm sorry. It is very humbling when we try to really see what we say that could be taken offensive or when we do things that hurt others. Telling them you are sorry, can greatly benefit a relationship!

The best of times and the worst of times

Every family has been through moments of sunshine and flowers and then moments of darkness and rain. That is bound to happen because as humans we all have the right to our agency and we will all make decisions that will affect our family for good and for bad.

Just the other day night I was on campus because our internet wasn't working at our apartment to finish up some homework; I watched as two friends walked out of a class and were talking. One of them asked the other if they were OK, and the she fell apart. I watched the friend give her a hug and try to comfort her as she listened to her pain from finding out her brother was leaving the gospel. (They were right next to my table.. I could hear everything)
How often does this happen? It doesn't even have to be that they leave the gospel, it can be any part of our lives that they choose to leave and it is earth shattering! Our families and homes are supposed to be our strength and our shelter from the storm, but sometimes a storm rages within.

In regards to family members leaving the gospel, there is hope! We have been taught about the atonement and the sacrifice our Savior made so we could return home to our Heavenly Father. But there is more that can also help save them. A husband and wife who have sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, have not just given themselves the blessings of being exalted, they have also given them to their children (Hawkins, 173). "Joseph Smith declared-and he never taught more comforting doctrine-the the promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would not only save themselves, but likewise their posterity...." (Hawkins, 173).

Oh but the anguish during the time that the child is straying is so hard. Parents pray, pray, and pray for the return of their child. Sometimes parents will become angry and frustrated because they feel like their prayers are not being heard. About this very thing "Elder John K. Carmack explained: Typical and normal parental reactions [to family problems with wayward children] include sorrow, despair, desperation, depression, feelings of guilt and unworthiness, and a sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents may also experience anger and withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up. These reaction usually make matters worse, deepening the problems they face" (Hawkins, 172).

In order to make sure that our children are kept under our covenant blessings, we need to make sure that we are living up to our temple covenants. The children can't be saved unless we fully live up to our covenants. The idea of being bound by the covenants was emphasized by President Boyd K. Packer, "Now, sometimes there are those that are lost. We have the promise of the prophets that they are not lost permanently, that if they are sealed in the temple ordinances and if the covenants are kept [by parents], in due time, after all the correction that's necessary to be given, that they will not be lost" (Hawkins, 173).

Think of the story of the prodigal son. He took his inheritance (the knowledge of the gospel in our context) and he left. After he had lost everything he had, he was humbled and came back to his father. This is just like the way it is when our children leave the gospel. We have to let them use their agency, but we cannot give up our own faith.

I am not yet a parent so I cannot say that I have experienced these things, but I have seen families that have and I have always admire the strength of the parents who have continued to love their children and live the gospel.

The Duties of a Father

"President Ezra Taft Benson taught that a father's calling 'is an eternal calling from which he is never released" (Hawkins, 140).

The role of a father isn't easily defined. In some cases he is our biggest cheerleader and sometimes he is the one working so hard so we can be a cheerleader or whatever it is that we want to do. Child interactions with fathers may not be as often as with mothers, but they are equally as important.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World gives a clear look at some of the areas that the father is in charge of. It states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families" (Proclamation).
Let's break this down to the 3 P's- preside, provide, and protect. 

For fathers to preside, it does not mean to rule, reign, and make all the decisions, it simply means to be in authority. This allows a father to gather this family together for counsels, family prayer, FHE, dinner, and other times when they need to be together. Once together he can also call upon others and direct the meeting/activity.
Growing up we had an order that we would pray in, but now that it we are always coming and going at different times, my dad is the one who calls on someone to pray or give a lesson in FHE. In our little family Logan is the one who will remind me who needs to pray at meals and at night. Sometimes we struggle to remember to say prayers at night together because usually I'm going to bed before him but he will remind me as he comes in and gets on his knees to pray.

"Abraham Heschel, a leading Jewish philosopher, identified the father as a powerful spiritual figure in the family circle with a moral responsibility to teach and care for his children. He suggested that fathers are meant to be teachers and holy figures in the lives of their children" (Hawkins, 141).

What good does it do for a father to teach a child? A father will work hard all day to provide for the family and maybe his energy is well spent before he even reaches the home, but as he takes time to spend with the kids, their lives will be greatly enriched. Many studies have been done to test the affect that having fathers who are involved in children's lives affected them throughout their life. Children who are in preschool and have had involvement with their father, tend to have greater cognitive ability, more individual control, and more empathy with other children (Hawkins, 142). Just by being involved and having strong positive connections with their children, fathers have the ability to put their abilities ahead of peers.
"As children grow older, positive involvement by fathers is strongly associated with fewer behaviors involving externalizing (negative actions) and internalizing (negative emotions)" (Hawkins, 142).
I have so many fears and worries about becoming a parent and raising kids, but a lot of those fears can be eliminated or lessened by the involvement of a father. Having a daughter terrifies me, because I know how hard it can be to want to be the pretty, popular one, or to want to have boys want to date you. It terrifies Logan because he doesn't want her be promiscuous. I'm scared to raise boys because how do you teach them to stay away from pornography, peer pressure, and everything that can come their way? How do you raise kids when you still feel like you are learning these things?
Those thoughts scare me, but these studies have shown that the likelihood of these things is lessened when the father is positively involved in their life.

When we have kids, I hope to have Logan be a big part of their day and have them look forward to him coming home and getting to spend time with the kiddos. 

Provide- When we are looking for a hotel to stay at while we are traveling, we always look for one where a free breakfast is provided and WiFi is provided. Why do we do that? Because we want to make sure our needs are provided for. Logan and I need to have breakfast to have energy throughout the day and I need WiFi to run a business away from home.
What does a family need provided from a father?
Food, shelter, clothes, and opportunities need to be provided from a father for the family.
"In essence, then, to provide in fathering is to assume the stewardship of meeting children's needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one's time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation" (Hawkins, 145).

As I grew up, I feel like I had every opportunity given to me because my parents were willing to pay to let me try a million different things. I started dancing when I was four years old, was put into summer soccer teams, Jazz basketball, and club volleyball teams. I also was in piano lessons that I did not practice for the way I should have and I regret that now. Because of all these things that my parents let me do, my coordination got better, and it helped me learn new skills and make new friends. I know that they put not only me, but all of my older brothers through different hobbies, sports, and other things just to let us figure out what we liked to do.
A big thank you goes out to my parents for letting me try new things and to always have their support in what I was doing no matter how I terrible I really was.

A father who protects his children not only keeps them out of harms way, but he equips them with the tools they will need to be safe when they are away from him.
This world is full of evil and it's just as full of good. Because we have experienced our own set of trials, triumphs, and victories, we can share those with our children. For fathers it is vital to set an example because the example of an honest, true, courageous, and virtuous father can be enough to buoy up a struggling child without even knowing it. 
"Modeling is perhaps the most powerful method to teaching young people, children are able to learn and acquire habits of behavior that will protect them as they follow a father's positive example" (Hawkins, 147).
Through the example a father sets on how he loves his wife, his daughters can learn how they should be treated and want to be loved. The sons can learn how to respect and treat a woman as well.

My dad is the handiest, handy man I know. He knows just about everything to help fix just about anything. When I was in high school, he took care of my car and I never had to worry because he was going to take care of it. The first time I got a flat tire, he drove into town to change it for me. When I slid off the road on my way to the high school for a basketball game, he was the only person I wanted to come to my rescue. He was my protector. Well, I still don't know how to change tire, but I know how to be strong in the midst of a trial, because he taught me how. I know how to be kind and serve others willingly because he showed me how. I am strong today because my dad protected me, loved me, and gave me the opportunities I needed to grow.

Men, how are you doing on your duties to one day be a father or as a father now?
Women, how are you strengthening and helping me to realize and fulfill their duties?

Anyone have any great ways to really get in the habit of prayers as a couple when one of you goes to bed earlier/later than the other?

Sources:
Hawkins, Print. 140-147.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World
"Love my Mother"

To be a Mother

When you type mother definition into Google it gives you this definition: noun- a woman in relation to a child or child to whom she has given birth. But then it also states another definition: verb- to bring up a child with care and affection.
I love the second definition it gives, because that is truly what a mother is. A mother isn't someone who merely gives birth to a child, it is someone who loves and raises a child. They take on a divine role when they become mothers. Women do not give up who they are by having children and taking on the role as mother. Society may view becoming a mother as living a half life, because it gives up the ability to make achievements in the work force (Hawkins, 129).
I personally am grateful for the full life my mother lived as a mother as she raised us kids. I do not think that her life was hindered at all in being home with us as we were young and growing. She cared for us each and we all have great relationships with her because we were able to connect at a young age with her. "A critical way that mothers influence development is through the emotion work they perform to maintain and strengthen individual well-being and family relations" (Hawkins, 133).

The purpose of a mother in my eyes is to be one with the Lord as she nurtures and raises His children. Womwn have distinct maternal instincts to care for and love others. The reason for this ability is because the daughters will come home with a broken heart needing a mother to love them, they will struggle with self esteem and they need someone to relate with them. The sons will come home not knowing how to approach a girl and need advice, they will also need to be given confidence when they are unsure of themselves. The children may not openly come to a mother and talk about these things, but it is felt and they are comforted through what the mother says and does.

"In the words of President Spencer W. Kimball, 'Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments' (Hawkins, 130).

Women are selfless and so giving. Mothers spend the day kissing boo boos, washing the dishes, picking up toys, playing make believe, and making food. Those things are done many times a day and every day. The world views these kind of things as monotonous and sometimes we may feel like it gets to bet that way, but we need to remember that we should take some time out for ourselves as well.
"Elder M. Russell Ballard counseled to mothers to find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children" (Hawkins, 135). 

 "When they see motherhood as a relationship rather than a set or tasks, mother will also recognize the dangers in comparing their mothering with others. A mother will understand that her mothering will be individual because she is giving her best, unique self to her children. The one that that she has to offer is her individual person. Her interests, talents, mind, and all that she has developed become her offering to the relationship she has with each of her children" (Hawkins, 135).

Knowing that we are to give everything we are to our children, it really solidifies that women need a break to do some things for themselves to further develop skills and talents.

To wrap this post up, I want to touch on the fault of comparison and the thief of our confidence in ourselves. Each family is unique because of its circumstance, family dynamics, and personalities. Mothers should not compare themselves or their children with others, because we do not know what things are really like for them. These children are sent to you as a mother for a reason. They NEED you and you NEED them. Motherhood is a calling of responsibility, love, and learning.

Women need to watch out for comparisons in their mothering abilities, but also in their self image and esteem. We need to feel confident in ourselves and in our beauty. We are our harshest critics. But did you know that when you constantly pick at yourself and the way you look, those ideas and thoughts enter into your children. They see you beautifully, and if you think something is wrong with you, they in turn will think something is wrong with them.

This is something that I really struggle with. Logan and I started talking about how I need to be more positive now in preparation for when we do have kids so that I can become confident now. It's so hard in a world that shows the ideal of the cover on the magazines, and that isn't true. The ideal is being beautiful as you!

"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living"- and they did so before she ever bore a child... Motherhood is more than bearing children... It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us" (Hawkins, 137). 

Any suggestions on building up confidence and self esteem?
Has anyone taught their daughters or sons to have a great self esteem and image? I would love to hear how!!

Sources:
Hawkins