Think back to when you first got married. Was that 30 years ago? A week ago? Maybe a little over a year ago like us? What was the best advice you received for your wedding? What do you wish people would have told you prior to your wedding?
Our favorite advice that we got came from the principal at the school my mom teaches at; he told us to stay in deep like. By that he meant to continue to do things like hold hands and doing the little things for one another. That has stuck with us and it is something that we are constantly striving to do. Something I wish someone would have told us is that Satan will strive hard to get you to make praying together difficult because of schedules and other activities.
The counsel that Thomas S. Monson was given at his sealing in the temple was
"May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure than any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can't pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another" (Hawkins, 196).
Prayer is vital in the home and families. It can give children an example to base their personal lives off of. It allows them to see the importance of prayer because of the importance that is placed on it in their home and with their parents. As Logan and I have knelt together in prayer, I have been able to see the things that he is seeing that we need help with or that he is thinking of to pray for. I get to know his heart just by kneeling down and praying together.
Logan and I are so far from perfect in this area, but we are trying and striving to get into a habit of praying together every day. We have seen the difference it made in our marriage and I challenge you to take this upcoming week and pray every day with your spouse, changing turns each night, to learn about what is important to your spouse at that time. I am also taking that challenge with you. Every day starting today, we will pray together and hopefully rekick start our good habit of praying with one another aloud everyday.
"When people perceive something sacred, it changes the way they treat it" (Hawkins, 196).
How do we perceive our marriages? Is it of the utmost importance and something that we want to see last forever?
"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." -Elder F. Burton Howard
Let us protect and strengthen our marriages by staying in deep like, praying together, and understanding that we can always strive to become better personally and together as a couple.
When our marriages are struggling, pray to make it better. When our marriages are great and wonderful, pray to keep it that way.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave the following quote on prayer raising our marriages up, "If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement. Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony" (Hawkins, 197).
Let me reiterate my challenge to you, no matter where you are in your marriage, get on your knees every day this week and pray together aloud. Pray for your marriage, each other, your children, and the things you need.
Prayer changes things. Let it into your home and marriage and let it change things there.
Everyone makes mistakes. Each and every one of us have hurt someone in our lives whether it has been through our actions or our words. We also have each been a victim of hurtful words and actions. In my opinion, when we are hurt from people outside of our family it can be easier to get over it because they technically don't have to in our lives if we choose for them not to be. Our families are with us. We grow up with them, laugh with them, are friends, and we're stuck with them.
When someone wrongs us within the family it can be extremely hurtful. There are so many ways we can be wronged by others in family life- words, actions, abuse, sin, neglect, etc. Some cases are much worse than others, but in each steps need to be taken to correct the mistake and forgive one another. This should be an ongoing process in the home.
There are many times when I need to apologize to my husband because I get grumpy or frustrated because he doesn't put his dishes in the sink or he doesn't realize that I need help cleaning the house (why can't mind reading be a real superpower gifted to all men right?). That is wrong of me, but I recognize it and I really have been trying to get better with it, but trust me, I'm still struggling. But because I ask for forgiveness and make efforts to change and do better, I am going through the repentance and forgiveness process for family life.
And let's be real.. how could I ever really be mad at this handsome guy?
Dallin H. Oaks stated the following, "The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change. ... Repenting means giving up all of our practices- personal, family, ethnic, and national- that are contrary to the commandments of God. The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change" (Hawkins, 202).
As we each come to a time to need to repent after making a mistake, there are steps and requirements that need to be made.
"1. Recoginze the sin. We admit to ourselves that we have done something wrong.
2. Feel sorrow for the sin. Feeling sorrowful, we are humble and submissive before God, and we come to Him with a broken heart and contrite spirit.
3. Forsake the sin. We STOP committing the sin and pledge to NEVER do it again.
4. Confess. We should confess all our sins to the Lord. In addition, we must confess serious sins that might affect our standing in the Church to the proper ecclesiastical authority.
5. Make restitution. Insofar as possible, we make right any wrong that we have done." (Hawkins, 205).
Repentance is not an easy thing. It can hurt us and it can also others. But it ultimately heals and frees us. Repentance and forgiveness are the keys to a happy home.
Sometimes forgiveness can be hard because of different
situations. In my class we have talked about abuse in the family; I am
blessed to not have experienced that, but that can be a really difficult
thing to move past and forgive. But the hope in that is that the Savior
has felt everything we do and He will forgive us for our wrong doings.
We are supposed to be like Him, therefore we should also strive to be
continually forgiving of others. It won't always be easy, but it is
worth it.
"Genuine forgiveness is a process, not a product. It is hard work and it takes time. It is a voluntary act that gives meaning to the wound and frees the injured person from the ills of bitterness and resentment" (Hawkins, 205).
Just as there is steps in repentance, there is steps to forgiveness.
"1. Recall the hurt. It is human nature to try to protect ourselves from pain. Too often we try to deny or forget the pain of the offense and avoid the discomfort associated with addressing that offense...
2. Empathize. Empathy involves borrowing the lens of another person so we can see something from their point of view. In order to forgive, it is important to understand the feelings of the transgressor...
3. Offer the altruistis gift of forgiveness. Forgiving with altruism is easier when the victim is humbled by an awareness of his or her own shortcomings and offenses, with special gratitude for those occasions when he or she was freely forgiven.
4. Commit Publicly to Forgive. The victim has a better chance of successful forgiveness if he or she verbalizes the forgiveness commitment to another person. Some victims have formalized their decision by writing a letter, making a journal entry, or creating a certificate of forgiveness.
5. Hold on to Forgiveness. After completing the forgiveness process, victims may still be haunted on occasions by the pain of the offense. During this stage it is important to move forward. When thoughts revert to the painful injury, the victim is reminded that the decision to forgive has already been made. He or she does not have to repeat the process..." (Hawkins, 206).
I got the above image from Pinterest, there is no external link from there, but I LOVE this image. To me it can perfectly depict the Savior when we come to Him hurt and broken from the wrong of another. I hope that everyone has had the opportunity to feel His arms around them and lifting them as they use His atonement to help heal their hearts. He knows what we feel. He has felt it and because of that, He cries too. I sit here, tears streaming down my face due to this image because I have been there. I have been the receiver of His grace because of others. I have felt his grace encompass me as I have been hurt. We all have these experiences and as difficult as it is, we can each overcome the pain through the atonement!
"The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His inifinite capacity to heal" (Hawkins, 208).
This video is an amazing example of the power of forgiveness.
I challenge each of you to think of someone in your life that you might need to forgive. You may have just shoved the feelings away and hidden them, but I challenge you to forgiveness. I challenge you to pray and ask for the help of the Savior and to ask for Him to help you move the forgiveness.
And I also challenge you to say I'm sorry. It is very humbling when we try to really see what we say that could be taken offensive or when we do things that hurt others. Telling them you are sorry, can greatly benefit a relationship!
Every family has been through moments of sunshine and flowers and then moments of darkness and rain. That is bound to happen because as humans we all have the right to our agency and we will all make decisions that will affect our family for good and for bad.
Just the other day night I was on campus because our internet wasn't working at our apartment to finish up some homework; I watched as two friends walked out of a class and were talking. One of them asked the other if they were OK, and the she fell apart. I watched the friend give her a hug and try to comfort her as she listened to her pain from finding out her brother was leaving the gospel. (They were right next to my table.. I could hear everything)
How often does this happen? It doesn't even have to be that they leave the gospel, it can be any part of our lives that they choose to leave and it is earth shattering! Our families and homes are supposed to be our strength and our shelter from the storm, but sometimes a storm rages within.
In regards to family members leaving the gospel, there is hope! We have been taught about the atonement and the sacrifice our Savior made so we could return home to our Heavenly Father. But there is more that can also help save them. A husband and wife who have sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, have not just given themselves the blessings of being exalted, they have also given them to their children (Hawkins, 173). "Joseph Smith declared-and he never taught more comforting doctrine-the the promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would not only save themselves, but likewise their posterity...." (Hawkins, 173).
Oh but the anguish during the time that the child is straying is so hard. Parents pray, pray, and pray for the return of their child. Sometimes parents will become angry and frustrated because they feel like their prayers are not being heard. About this very thing "Elder John K. Carmack explained: Typical and normal parental reactions [to family problems with wayward children] include sorrow, despair, desperation, depression, feelings of guilt and unworthiness, and a sense of failure. In such circumstances, parents may also experience anger and withdrawal and may feel like simply giving up. These reaction usually make matters worse, deepening the problems they face" (Hawkins, 172).
In order to make sure that our children are kept under our covenant blessings, we need to make sure that we are living up to our temple covenants. The children can't be saved unless we fully live up to our covenants. The idea of being bound by the covenants was emphasized by President Boyd K. Packer, "Now, sometimes there are those that are lost. We have the promise of the prophets that they are not lost permanently, that if they are sealed in the temple ordinances and if the covenants are kept [by parents], in due time, after all the correction that's necessary to be given, that they will not be lost" (Hawkins, 173).
Think of the story of the prodigal son. He took his inheritance (the knowledge of the gospel in our context) and he left. After he had lost everything he had, he was humbled and came back to his father. This is just like the way it is when our children leave the gospel. We have to let them use their agency, but we cannot give up our own faith.
I am not yet a parent so I cannot say that I have experienced these things, but I have seen families that have and I have always admire the strength of the parents who have continued to love their children and live the gospel.
"President Ezra Taft Benson taught that a father's calling 'is an eternal calling from which he is never released" (Hawkins, 140).
The role of a father isn't easily defined. In some cases he is our biggest cheerleader and sometimes he is the one working so hard so we can be a cheerleader or whatever it is that we want to do. Child interactions with fathers may not be as often as with mothers, but they are equally as important.
The Family: A Proclamation to the World gives a clear look at some of the areas that the father is in charge of. It states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families" (Proclamation).
Let's break this down to the 3 P's- preside, provide, and protect.
For fathers to preside, it does not mean to rule, reign, and make all the decisions, it simply means to be in authority. This allows a father to gather this family together for counsels, family prayer, FHE, dinner, and other times when they need to be together. Once together he can also call upon others and direct the meeting/activity.
Growing up we had an order that we would pray in, but now that it we are always coming and going at different times, my dad is the one who calls on someone to pray or give a lesson in FHE. In our little family Logan is the one who will remind me who needs to pray at meals and at night. Sometimes we struggle to remember to say prayers at night together because usually I'm going to bed before him but he will remind me as he comes in and gets on his knees to pray.
"Abraham Heschel, a leading Jewish philosopher, identified the father as a powerful spiritual figure in the family circle with a moral responsibility to teach and care for his children. He suggested that fathers are meant to be teachers and holy figures in the lives of their children" (Hawkins, 141).
What good does it do for a father to teach a child? A father will work hard all day to provide for the family and maybe his energy is well spent before he even reaches the home, but as he takes time to spend with the kids, their lives will be greatly enriched. Many studies have been done to test the affect that having fathers who are involved in children's lives affected them throughout their life. Children who are in preschool and have had involvement with their father, tend to have greater cognitive ability, more individual control, and more empathy with other children (Hawkins, 142). Just by being involved and having strong positive connections with their children, fathers have the ability to put their abilities ahead of peers.
"As children grow older, positive involvement by fathers is strongly associated with fewer behaviors involving externalizing (negative actions) and internalizing (negative emotions)" (Hawkins, 142).
I have so many fears and worries about becoming a parent and raising kids, but a lot of those fears can be eliminated or lessened by the involvement of a father. Having a daughter terrifies me, because I know how hard it can be to want to be the pretty, popular one, or to want to have boys want to date you. It terrifies Logan because he doesn't want her be promiscuous. I'm scared to raise boys because how do you teach them to stay away from pornography, peer pressure, and everything that can come their way? How do you raise kids when you still feel like you are learning these things?
Those thoughts scare me, but these studies have shown that the likelihood of these things is lessened when the father is positively involved in their life.
When we have kids, I hope to have Logan be a big part of their day and have them look forward to him coming home and getting to spend time with the kiddos.
Provide- When we are looking for a hotel to stay at while we are traveling, we always look for one where a free breakfast is provided and WiFi is provided. Why do we do that? Because we want to make sure our needs are provided for. Logan and I need to have breakfast to have energy throughout the day and I need WiFi to run a business away from home.
What does a family need provided from a father?
Food, shelter, clothes, and opportunities need to be provided from a father for the family.
"In essence, then, to provide in fathering is to assume the stewardship of meeting children's needs and offering opportunities for their development, as well as dedicating one's time, energy, and resources for the benefit of the next generation" (Hawkins, 145).
As I grew up, I feel like I had every opportunity given to me because my parents were willing to pay to let me try a million different things. I started dancing when I was four years old, was put into summer soccer teams, Jazz basketball, and club volleyball teams. I also was in piano lessons that I did not practice for the way I should have and I regret that now. Because of all these things that my parents let me do, my coordination got better, and it helped me learn new skills and make new friends. I know that they put not only me, but all of my older brothers through different hobbies, sports, and other things just to let us figure out what we liked to do.
A big thank you goes out to my parents for letting me try new things and to always have their support in what I was doing no matter how I terrible I really was.
A father who protects his children not only keeps them out of harms way, but he equips them with the tools they will need to be safe when they are away from him.
This world is full of evil and it's just as full of good. Because we have experienced our own set of trials, triumphs, and victories, we can share those with our children. For fathers it is vital to set an example because the example of an honest, true, courageous, and virtuous father can be enough to buoy up a struggling child without even knowing it.
"Modeling is perhaps the most powerful method to teaching young people, children are able to learn and acquire habits of behavior that will protect them as they follow a father's positive example" (Hawkins, 147).
Through the example a father sets on how he loves his wife, his daughters can learn how they should be treated and want to be loved. The sons can learn how to respect and treat a woman as well.
My dad is the handiest, handy man I know. He knows just about everything to help fix just about anything. When I was in high school, he took care of my car and I never had to worry because he was going to take care of it. The first time I got a flat tire, he drove into town to change it for me. When I slid off the road on my way to the high school for a basketball game, he was the only person I wanted to come to my rescue. He was my protector. Well, I still don't know how to change tire, but I know how to be strong in the midst of a trial, because he taught me how. I know how to be kind and serve others willingly because he showed me how. I am strong today because my dad protected me, loved me, and gave me the opportunities I needed to grow.
Men, how are you doing on your duties to one day be a father or as a father now?
Women, how are you strengthening and helping me to realize and fulfill their duties?
Anyone have any great ways to really get in the habit of prayers as a couple when one of you goes to bed earlier/later than the other?
When you type mother definition into Google it gives you this definition: noun- a woman in relation to a child or child to whom she has given birth. But then it also states another definition: verb- to bring up a child with care and affection.
I love the second definition it gives, because that is truly what a mother is. A mother isn't someone who merely gives birth to a child, it is someone who loves and raises a child. They take on a divine role when they become mothers. Women do not give up who they are by having children and taking on the role as mother. Society may view becoming a mother as living a half life, because it gives up the ability to make achievements in the work force (Hawkins, 129).
I personally am grateful for the full life my mother lived as a mother as she raised us kids. I do not think that her life was hindered at all in being home with us as we were young and growing. She cared for us each and we all have great relationships with her because we were able to connect at a young age with her. "A critical way that mothers influence development is through the emotion work they perform to maintain and strengthen individual well-being and family relations" (Hawkins, 133).
The purpose of a mother in my eyes is to be one with the Lord as she nurtures and raises His children. Womwn have distinct maternal instincts to care for and love others. The reason for this ability is because the daughters will come home with a broken heart needing a mother to love them, they will struggle with self esteem and they need someone to relate with them. The sons will come home not knowing how to approach a girl and need advice, they will also need to be given confidence when they are unsure of themselves. The children may not openly come to a mother and talk about these things, but it is felt and they are comforted through what the mother says and does.
"In the words of President Spencer W. Kimball, 'Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments' (Hawkins, 130).
Women are selfless and so giving. Mothers spend the day kissing boo boos, washing the dishes, picking up toys, playing make believe, and making food. Those things are done many times a day and every day. The world views these kind of things as monotonous and sometimes we may feel like it gets to bet that way, but we need to remember that we should take some time out for ourselves as well.
"Elder M. Russell Ballard counseled to mothers to find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children" (Hawkins, 135).
"When they see motherhood as a relationship rather than a set or tasks, mother will also recognize the dangers in comparing their mothering with others. A mother will understand that her mothering will be individual because she is giving her best, unique self to her children. The one that that she has to offer is her individual person. Her interests, talents, mind, and all that she has developed become her offering to the relationship she has with each of her children" (Hawkins, 135).
Knowing that we are to give everything we are to our children, it really solidifies that women need a break to do some things for themselves to further develop skills and talents.
To wrap this post up, I want to touch on the fault of comparison and the thief of our confidence in ourselves. Each family is unique because of its circumstance, family dynamics, and personalities. Mothers should not compare themselves or their children with others, because we do not know what things are really like for them. These children are sent to you as a mother for a reason. They NEED you and you NEED them. Motherhood is a calling of responsibility, love, and learning.
Women need to watch out for comparisons in their mothering abilities, but also in their self image and esteem. We need to feel confident in ourselves and in our beauty. We are our harshest critics. But did you know that when you constantly pick at yourself and the way you look, those ideas and thoughts enter into your children. They see you beautifully, and if you think something is wrong with you, they in turn will think something is wrong with them.
This is something that I really struggle with. Logan and I started talking about how I need to be more positive now in preparation for when we do have kids so that I can become confident now. It's so hard in a world that shows the ideal of the cover on the magazines, and that isn't true. The ideal is being beautiful as you!
"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living"- and they did so before she ever bore a child... Motherhood is more than bearing children... It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us" (Hawkins, 137).
Any suggestions on building up confidence and self esteem?
Has anyone taught their daughters or sons to have a great self esteem and image? I would love to hear how!!
I really feel like I come to this blog at the end of each month and think... Now wait.. where did that month go? That's true and even multiplied by 10 for February. I really think I blinked and now here it is the 26th! Mr. Logan and I did have a lot of fun this month though.
To kick off the month right, we went to an Imagine Dragons concert with my Jared and his wife Chelsea on February 9th. And it was AMAZING!! The concert was in Boise at the Taco Bell Arena. We got to Boise about an hour before doors opened so we hit up Noodles and Co for dinner. That was a first for Logan and I eating there and if there is a Noodles and Co anywhere when I'm on vacation that is a must eat. It was really yummy!!! We got to the arena to wait in line for the doors to open because we were on the floor level and we wanted some good seats (standing space)... and by golly we got them!!
There was literally 3 rows of people from us to the stage. We were SOO close!
I thought I liked them before we went to the concert, but I LOVE them. And they were so good live. I won't lie, it was a little "harder" live than on the CD and it was amazing. The live version of Radioactive was incredible.
I have been to a Rascal Flatts concert and David Archuleta (Jared says that doesn't really count as a concert) and now this one. Imagine Dragons killed the other ones. One of the songs they had those big balls all over the place and when they popped they exploded with confetti! So cool! Thanks to Jared and Chelsea for letting us go with you. It was so much fun!!
The following week was Valentines Day. It started off with breakfast in bed. I made some cinnamon roll waffles and some chocolate milk and surprised Logan with it.
Logan had work off without even requesting it off so that was pretty cool!! I had to go to school that day though. Logan picked up a heart shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's and hid some cards around the house for me to find. The first card was on the door when I walked up to unlock it. Another was by a light switch, the bathroom door, hanging from the counter, and on the wall. I got the last one when we were about to go to bed.
We had Emily (Logan's sis) come over and have pizza with us and then we went over to our friends and Jared's stake Valentines dance to see them. We danced to the last song and had some yummy desserts.
After that we headed over to the Craze to play some arcade games! I love arcade games; when we were dating Logan took me on a date to the Craze once and I fell in love with it. I'm a kid at heart and Logan is too so it makes it fun! We played Swamp Stomp, the basketball game, skeeball, and Deal or no Deal. We also played this jumping game where we soon realized.. I may not have the best timing.
We won a bunch of tickets and got a lot of random things including some jumbo playing cards, fruit snacks, tootsie rolls that were a little old and hard, suckers, and parachute guys to throw off the top of the stadium one of these days!
Let's be honest for a minute, I never liked Valentines Day. It really has to do with the fact that my birthday is the next day, so I felt like my birthday wasn't that special because everyone just got flowers, chocolates, stuffed bears, and whatever else the day before. Yes, I had a terrible childhood because of it... Just kidding! :) But this year I really think I liked it.. Gasp.. The world is still turning though so no worries. It was fun to just have time with Lo and we could do little things without spending lots of money or feeling like we needed to get each other presents. And I had the BEST valentine ever, feel free to argue that, but it's true.
Our cute Valentine decorations- the mailboxes were my favorite. We have two- one for Lo and one for me. We left each other notes and goodies and put the flag up to let each other know we had mail!
I already spilled the beans, my birthday was the day after Valentines Day! So I got to celebrate all over again!! Logan and I met up with our friends, Kenon and Marissa, for ice cream at Scoops because they have Playdough and it's delicious. As we were chowing away at our ice cream, the boys stepped outside.. and left us with a spare key to the other car and a clue to follow. Let's just say we had quite the goose chase ahead of us. We first had to go to a place called Game Pulse that our husbands like to go to so they can play a game on the internet. There we got weirded out waiting for our next clue. There we got our favorite drinks- Strawberry Banana Naked for me and chocolate milk for Marissa. From there we had to go to the ethanol free gas station in Rexburg (the clues were much much much harder than that because of their crazy wording). From there we went to a park, then to the boys bathroom at Walmart. Then to the video game area of Walmart and finally that led us to the Hickory where we ate dinner with our guys. This scavenger hunt took us 2 hours!! It was crazy hard but in the end the boys had flowers and Florence chocolates for us to that made it better.
From there we went to Shelley to celebrate with my fam. My Grandpa and Grandma Clark, Trent, Lindsey and their kids, and my parents were there. We had some of my favorite chocolate dessert!
I'm officially 21 and I applied for my cool horizontal license. This way I will actually still look like myself. My last license made people do a double take.. must be the hair.
This past weekend I went to a couple baby showers! One for a cousin and one for a best friend from high school... Rylee is due in just a couple weeks and her little baby bump is so cute! It looks like she shoved a volleyball up her shirt because you can't tell her's prego from the back.
The 23rd was our one year anniversary! Whoo! I already blogged about that so I will leave it at that.
And now tomorrow we leave to Las Vegas to celebrate our one year anniversary! We are staying at the MGM Grand Signature for 2 nights and I can hardly wait. On Friday I also get to meet my favorite photographer from Virginia for a coaching session and Logan gets to come too. After that we are doing another photography conference called WPPI. This weekend is going to be amazing and I can't wait to learn more about photography!
Oh, one last thing. This month Logan and I officially decided after lots of prayers, going to the temple and talking (no this not a baby announcement), I will be graduating with my associates at the end of this semester. I am grateful for the education I have gotten so far, but I feel like it is time to focus on other things and I'm excited to see where the future takes us!
First things first... I hope you all went on a date with a significant other and really enjoyed the company the you brought each other. I hope compliments were given and affection shown.
To be the best kind of parent, it starts in our marriages. John Gottman gives us a look at something called a Parenting Pyramid. The pyramid base starts with a personal way of being. We need to know who we are, be confident in ourselves, and feel good about ourselves. The second step is the husband/wife relationship. We need to have a strong marriage connection to be able to be on the same page in parenting and because we also need to feel loved to give love to our children. Keep those marriages on track and as a priority!! That is what lets us keep building our pyramid. The middle step of the pyramid is a parent/child relationship step. Parents are supposed to have a friendship with their kids. It isn't just about disciplining and teaching them, it is to give them a constant friend as well. The next step is to teach; it really intrigued me that having a good relationship came before the teaching, but it makes sense! If we don't have a good relationship with someone it is hard to learn from them or want to learn from them. Correction is the top of the pyramid. Think of a pyramid, the top isn't a big part when it is divided into five steps. That means that correction needs to be the smallest part in your parenting relationship!
To dive into parenting, let's take a look at what The Proclamation to the World says about parenting. You can find it here if you want to read more.
"The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife."
When Adam and Eve were placed on the Earth, you think that the Lord would have a lot of different things He needed to tell them about the Earth and their responsibilities, but the very first thing that He told them was they were to multiply and replenish and the earth. That tells us a lot of the importance that should be placed on parenthood.
My Fowler family
In parenting there are three different parenting styles that are used in families. The first style is authoritarian/coercive. This parenting style "is characterized by parents who deride, demean, or diminish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or pyschologically controlling means" (Hawkins, 105). I took a parenting class last Spring where we learned about the three different styles and something that really helped me understand what each style meant was a little chart. At the top there were three things bonding/connection, regulation, and autonomy granting. On the side it listed the three styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. We then were taught that in an authoritarian parent/child relationship there is a L (low) level of connection and relationship between them, there is a H (high) level of regulation where a parent is involved in the child's life, and there is a L level of autonomy granting. If a child is in kind of relationship with a parent it can lead to rebellion. "Psychological control designed to manipulate children's mental and emotional experience and expression has been associated with children's and adolescents' 'externalizing,' or aggressive, disruptive, or delinquent behavior; and 'internalizing,' or developing problems such as anxiety or depression" (Hawkins, 106). Look at the kind of effect parents can have on their children. If we knew the way that we were parenting would lead to these kind of things, would we still parent that way?
Permissive parenting is another style of parenting that is used. "Permissve parenting is characterized by parents who overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices" (Hawkins, 107). In a permissive parent/child relationship there is a M (moderate) connection level, a L regulation level, and a H autonomy granting level. That means that they are kind of trying to be the "cool" parent and allow their kids to do what they want so that allows them to have an OK relationship with their kids. They don't really get involved in their lives and they let them choose what they want to do without any repercussions really. "Research suggests that children raised by permissive parents may have greater difficulty respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans" (Hawkins, 107).
Again, thinking of the consequences that can come from allowing this kind of parenting style to be yours, wouldn't you rather change that? The untold things to come could be devastating to the children. A quote from Elder Joe J. Christensen states, "We should avoid spoiling children by giving them too much. In our day, many children grow up with distorted values because we as parents overindulge them...One of the most important things we can teach our children is to deny themselves. Instant gratification generally makes for weak people" (Hawkins, 107).
The third parenting style is authoritative and it fits the bill for being the best of the three. "Authoritative parenting fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior... This style creates a positive emotional climate that helps children be more open to parental input and direction..." (Hawkins, 108). The graph for authoritative parenting gives H level for connection, H level for regulation, and H level for autonomy granting. This kind of relationship is ideal. It allows you to be close to your children, give counsel that they can go off of, and they still know that you are there to help guide them and discipline them when necessary. The difficult task to this style of parenting is that it is individual, where as the others can be done the same for all the children. Each child will be different and the parenting will need to change with each person due to their temperaments, predispositions, and personalities.
Reflect back on your childhood. What did you love about your parents? Is
there things that you wish they would have done a little differently?
If you could tell your parents something about their parenting what you
tell them?
Now that you know about these different parenting styles, what will you do better your parenting? Because hindsight is 20/20 and we can see things that our parents did that maybe we didn't agree with or didn't like, how can you make sure to not have those things in the way you parent your children?
To be the best kind of parent, there needs to be love unrestricted. For no reason should we hold back our love from our children. Children need to be told they are loved every day. They need to supported in their dreams, goals, and ambitions.
To be the best parent, we need to the best of ourselves. Here's your challenge for the week, what is your best self? Write down a list of things you think make you your best self. Now be honest with yourself, what things do you need to improve on? Do those things! Try every day to be a little better to be better for your children.
We are here on this earth to be tested and tried in order to return to our Heavenly Father. These experiences we are going through now will prepare us for the eternities. Because of that knowledge, why are we parents here on this earth? It is because one day we will be like Heavenly Father and Mother and we need to be the best kind of parents we can be. We are learning to be the best kind of parents we can be here on this earth.
My Peterson family
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the April 2013 general conference said, "Would we scold a toddler for stumbling? No, neither does our Heavenly Father."
We aren't going to be perfect parents like our Father in Heaven, but He will not scold us. We must try to do all we can and be the best parent we can. We will be blessed and strengthened for that. Be that kind of parent for your children. Help them do all they can so they can grow too.
A final thought by President Gordon B. Hinckley, "As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is a harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernable, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful... I speak to fathers and mothers everywhere with a plea to put harshness behind us, bridle our anger, to lower our voices, and to deal with mercy and love and respect one toward another in our home" (Hawkins, 125).
What kind of fruits do you want to leave behind?
Sources:
The Family: A Proclamation to the World - http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation Hawkins, Alan. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Persepectives. Provo, UT: 2012. 105-108, 125. Print.
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